I miss home so much.I think i'm even tricking my mind to thinking that i'm ill,so I at least have some reason to feel sorry for myself.I'm just counting down the days...The irony being,that when these slow weeks have finally passed,I shall look back upon them longingly,wishing I had time to kill.But right now,i've nothing to do.I am hardly doing anything with my days-and still managing to spend money-I have no idea how I do it!
It's not only home that I miss,but the social contact and connections made by smiles and laughter.I hardly laugh when i'm on my own.And I try hard to be creative and i've done a fair few things,but I don't like any of it becuase I have no contrast,nowhere to get away from it to then come back and view it.It gives me too much time to be critical,about everything.
I still don't have the internet at home,and when I do finally get it set up,I'll be leaving the next day so it's all pretty pointless.However,it'll be good to have it anyway.Joe's coming to visit in the next couple of daays,which will be lovely.I look forward to him seeing where i'm currently living,and spending some quality time with him,eventhough the days are going to be full of things he needs to do,such as uni,cv-ing and catching up with a few of his friends.But at least i'm the loop slightly,and that I am thankful for.I just hope I don't appear too clingy and crazy,becuase that's never a good look.
Last night,I think I was at my closest i've ever been to feeling depressed.I just couldn't stop crying,nothing helped this hanging weight of saddness over my shoulders.I couldn't sleep,as my mind was too busy bugging me with horrible thoughts,I could not be comfortable in my own skin for my skin has gone pale and flakey...just eberything was wrong and I just didn't want to be here.And I wanted so much to be loved,so much for Joe to text,or ring me up even if he was drunk-just to say hello,to pull me out of it all.But he didn't,I didn't hear from him at all that day.And this is what I hate about being alone-it pulls me so close to those who are meant to be close to me,so much so I put this enormous pressure on them to expect them to know how i'm feeling--but of course that's pure maddness-everyone's entitled to their own lives,especially Joe for crying out loud!I had no idea what came over me.And I hope,it never comes over me again.
As I don't have the internet at home,I write things on my laptops notepad,to load up one day.And here is the fruit of my pathetic labours.I just need to get it up on here to unload it from my mind.
I am driving myself nuts with my stupis stupid thoughts.
*
It is upon reflection one realises how quickly time has gone by.Maybe that's what it's like when you're old.
The times you sit and look out of the window and see memories of what felt like yesterday.
It was when I was travelling home yesterday I invisioned similar things.And it made me think about how little I am
in the big scheme of things.Without wanting to sound too big-headed and indeed,too deep it made me think about what
the chances are of me making a big difference in this life.Surrounded by women reading about successful women spread
on the pages of successful magazines-perhaps in ambiotious ventures,perhaps rediculous transformations and rediculous
words from dull minds...I dont much care for celebritys,I don't idol them in anyway,and it saddens me how they are
what society are following and intrusting them with the futures twists and turns.But would I ever want to be one of
those people?Well,not in that world certainly.I just wonder what gives me the right to...perhaps these celebritys
had pretty ordinary lives to,once.It just all seems a bit of reach for me to be honest.
I'm pretty happy where I am at the moment.At the junction,decideing which way I should take my direction.I am enjoying
the choices I have at the moment.I do fear I may make the wrong one,but who knows-maybe that will lead me to
somewhere even better.
I know that after Uni I will be scared as to what will happen,what to do.But that's still a good year away so I'll try
and postopone those thoughts.Hopefully something will come together this year to give me a better idea as to what
will happen next year,but at then end of the day-who knows.
I was travelling back from Joe's yesterday,a nice long weekend away with him and his delightful family.I had no
idea what I was worried about.As much as I felt in a different enviornment with new people,I also felt at home.Being
up here,spending much time by myself I think a fair bit of Joe,I wish I didn't really because I keep telling myself
to just keep it nice and easy-not over the top,full on all the time.but I do,all the same.I am just so lucky to have
him.I just love him so much.And i'm just living each day to it's fullest,enjoying ever moment I have.
Being alone constantly means the same thoughts spin round and round in my head.As I have nothing to take it away,
nothing to keep me occupied.I sit alone,inside,inside my mind,thinking the worst.
And I can't help but feel that he will dissapoint me.
He says he wants to come down for a few days for my birthday-which would be amazing.He would definatly be aloud to,
he would be more than welcome and I just love the idea.So much so I'm getting too attatched to the idea-and need
to think realisticly.Now the house he's moving into have asked them to move in on the 2nd,means it'll screw up all
plans to visit me.As much as he says it won't,he still hasnt bought a ticket.When he eventually gets around to it
it'll be far to expensive.And he won't be able to make it.And I will be so upset.Becuase I can see it right now,
a lil less than a month away and yet I can't tell him how I feel.I don't want to spoil anything or look like a stress
head,although I know i'm in the right to at least say something.I don't know,maybe he'll surprise me.But I doubt it
as he's never surprised me before,especially with this sort of thing.And it really makes me feel so sad,becuase
unfortunatly I just can't forget that he went on holiday with his ex girlfriend when he couldn't afford it...I'm
scared that I'll be so upset I'll just say anything-probably that,and make it all the worse.I spent a lot to see him
to...i'm always the one making the effort.In everything.
After a rubbish phonecall last night I was expecting something to say sorry,and that he didn't mean to worry me or
upset me,but I got nothing.Nothing today either.I just sometimes doubt how much he cares about me,especially
when his friends are involved,I take a backseat completely.I know i'm being harsh becuase I have nothing else to do
and I HATE MYSELF for it.Hell,I hate myself full stop I've hd enough time alone now.
This is why it's times like these I fear being in love,becuase most of all I hurt myself.I stress myself out the
most and almost make it my duty NOT to tell the other person how i'm really feeling,so it'll come out some other
horrible way.I need to change.But I also need support sometimes,I'm not that clingy,and i'm only desiring what any
other person would desire.I'm just fed up of being the one who always seems to make the first move.There is still
something about the way we both are which makes things still fresh-and that's the fear of tripping up and saying
what we really mean.I know now we're at the point where we should be able to say anything we like,knowing we'll be
able to patch it up in the end.But I don't know,we've not had that yet.And I fear it,every time I feel like this.
And I can't stop crying.
Becuase I am weak,hormonal,and useless.
HE HAS NO IDEA.
I really really hope he doesn't let me down.Becuase if he does I don't know if he'll be able to patch it up again.
No comments:
Post a Comment