ch ch changes

My last entries seem to be filled with much attention seeking moaning.But it's difficult to be motivated and interesting when there's nothing going on to distract from all the change and irritating stuff flying around.
I'm finding it so hard to get comfortable.As soon as I get away from somewhere I want to be somewhere else again.
Joe makes me feel comfortable,and in the most lame way possible he is home to me.So I just count down the days til I see him next.I don't enjoy the time I should be enjoying.As days just fly by so quickly.

I found some old diaries yesterday,I used to write such a lot.Feelings,thoughts,happenings-everything so over-exagerated,such big deals-when in the whole scale of things,mean absolutely nothing.It makes me smile and cringe at the same time,the person I used to be.Me and eggs watched old video tapes from years ago where I was 14.I felt appalled by the way I looked-and at first I thought I was sad at who I used to be,but I realised it was actually sadness of my reaction to myself.How judgemental on image,how harsh I am on reflection.So much ahead of me.It was interesting.

I've felt alot of interesting things today to.I hardly ever post status's anymore.The things I actually feel/think I don't want anybody else to know.So it's just blank.However this day I felt otherwise.What I would normally keep to myself I let out in bitterness,wondering why I bother sometimes.It's nobodys fault really,and on another day i'd let it slide.But for some reason today I just wanted to let it out.
It was weird how Ben texted me straight away,and even weirder how it was caring.Nothing over the top,just friendly caring but still,that's the first i've heard from him in a long time-and even longer i've heard nice words.
I'm over him now,and i've let so much of what happened go.But I still have reservations and know deep down I let him get away with so much.I was shocked by another reaction of mine,thinking; 'how dare he think he can just text me out of the blue and expect me to be all ok?' but then with a pause,and a thought,I realise that things have changed and we've both moved on from it all.
I reckon I will see him,as he's just one of these people who is put on this earth to test me-so of course,he'll crop up again.Which means I must always be prepared.However,if I just play it cool and breezy there isn't many ways to go wrong.
I wish I could hold onto bitterness more.Because I replied,and we chatted like friends like we did two years ago.Or however long it was.
It makes me feel sad how it all turned out.But he's just...the wrong guy for me.In every single way.I feel sad that I regret that we ever got together.
But then,who would I be with now?and I wouldn't want to change Joe for anyone.And from that perspective,i've no regrets.
I can hardly make up my own mind.Clearly I am all over the shot haha.

I will see him tomorrow.Casual,simply casual.Only for a bit.Already,I am nervous.But why?I don't think i've actually seen him since I broke it off.Am I afraid he's going to bring up the old shit again?Am I afraid he's going to try and get under my skin again-ha!he can try but,that place is already taken.I don't know why,but I am.What if he hurts me again,intentionally or unintentionally-already he's back in my gutt making it turn over and over.But then again,what if it's pleasant?What if he's moved on in two ways than one-actually evolved into a decent guy and hold a nice conversation?...am I afraid he's going to try and make me feel bad?Rubb in his apparent happiness? I don't know.Apprehensive. But I honestly feel happy enough,and strong enough,to go along with it all.Becuase I can do the very same.Hell,he'll see in on my face-on my eyes,how much better I am these days.-not in a big headed way,but in the sense i'm so much more happy with myself,comfortable,don't feel I need to change-above all,don't feel I need to impress anymore.
It's going to be interesting.
I just need to keep my expectations low,as if i'm going to meet a friend.Because,that's what we say we are.It is nothing more,nothing less.And either way,I will come away feeling stronger.I just know it.

Oh dear.Joe's not a happy bunny today.He's selling a festival ticket to get more money,which means that his visit may be abit stumped.I don't know.
It'll be good to talk to him later on,I hope he's ok.

Urgh!I look forward to my birthday at least,then holiday.
Hopefully good times are a-coming.