I had the right to be worried.

I think today is right the hell up there with 'one of the worst days of my life.'
I just cannot believe what I have for a mother.
Now I know that is a harsh,harsh thing to say.And I am so tired,so emotionally drained and so exhausted that i'm sure this entry is going to be more passionate and blunt than if I wrote this tomorrow.But I need to write this out.Otherwise I will just dissolve.

Usually when returning home I collide with some sort of fiasco.Something that's irritated her,something that upseted her-as small as loosing a bag of beans,as big as finding lost bills (understandable,I wouldn't argue with that-ho wait,I wouldn't argue at all.Because I can't.) But today seemed promising.How many other family's encounter the question that is 'the best time to talk to mum'-honestly,is is such a fragile time.It could be perfectly fine-or an absolute nightmare.Of course,and normally,it is the latter.
I am tired of thinking 'she's doing this because she loves you' phrase when she talks down at me with ridiculous words,taking everything more personally than ever imagined.So unbelievably childish.It just makes me so very very sad.Right to my very core.Thank god for my dad,that I have at least ONE family member who wants to support me,and does very well.
So,I get in and everything is perfectly fine.I'm glad to see her and she's happy to see me to.We talk about small things,she shows me around the garden and the sun is shinning and she's not stressed because she's not at work and everyone seemed to be happy.So I thought it would be fine to mention the house I want to live in next year-just as simple 'yes' and move along.I wasn't asking her for money.I wasn't asking her for items,stuff,numbers,opinions-anything-not even to be my garentor,just,tell her what I wanted to do and then we could move on with our lives.
Now most parents,wouldn't give a damn.They'd be happy that there child has sorted something out,had motivation and wanted to do well.Not my mother ladies and gentlemen.
'God I WISH I had the nerve when I was your age.I listened and did what I was told,and I paid the price I can tell you.'
'Who do you think you are?'
'I was having a lovely time before you came back.'
'You go off and bloody enjoy yourself.'
'The only reason you can do this is becuase dad is helping you out.'
'I am disappointed you didn't want to come home.' (To this!?what are you nuts?)
'I've got used to a life without you.' (that really hurt.)
'when you and your boyfriend break up--no,wait,naaa you'll live up there won't you.You MAY miss me when you have children.'
'Why can't I have sensible children?'
'Thank you very much.'

Clinical conversation over dinner about cheese and various chemicals my brother had to revise for a test at school.I can honestly say I have never felt so low in my whole life.A real dissapointment to her.She really took it in a bad way.
Why?
I don't know.I don't see how she thinks her COMPLETELY freaking out over a small matter-my education,job prospects,relationship etc-you know,big things-hell i'm not pregnant!I'm not telling her the truth about my finances good god no...why does she think I would want to come back,that I miss this?There would always be problems and I will always dissapoint her.And as much as that SUCKS...it has made me so determined.

I know deep down,shes jelous that i'm living the life she couldn't have becuase of her strict parents.So,lets put my daughter through that to,only fair hey.She just assumed so much horrible bullshit about me to,that I didn't want her opinion,I didn't respect her.She's angry i'm closer to dad becuase he doesn't DO this shit.He supports my dessions.
And what upset me even more is that I just can't for the life of me,stand up for myself.I can't argue.I go cold,pale,rigid and I cry.I go numb and can't speak.Which means you can spit out more venom.It erodes me.
She's won't apologise.She won't take my apologies either,I've wrewined everything and mucked it all up.

Thanks mum,for making me more determined to succeed more than anyone.I am going to try and make you come round to believe in me.

Well fuck it.And screw her.Me and stev have put the deposit down,and i'm moving into that house and i'm going to have the best year of my life.