It has been an interesting period of time at home.I've felt so many thoughts and feelings over a short period I really didn't know what was going to happen or how it would all effect me.When I sit and i'm alone,it all overpowers me and I cry.It's the knowing i'm doing something my mum doesn't agree with or view favourably.I keep telling myself that this was going to happen one day,that there was going to be an episode in my life where things would have to change,and I suppose I thought that mum would be expecting the same thing.But in truth,i've disappointed her for making this decision so soon,and I can't honestly dislike her for that.She's a human being-and I need to give her a moment to react.
I worry about her though,when i'm gone.She is clearly not a happy person right now,and i'm not sure she has been for a very long time.I'm not sure i've ever seen her truly happy.Maybe days when I was younger and we'd go down to Brightlingsea beach and fly kites in the wind and she'd take photographs of the sea to paint later.She used to smile and laugh alot,but then that was before a lot of change.
This homecoming brought a lot of memories up for her which were never meant to be brought the air.They belong to the depth of the forgotten. But they're tricky to forget.Her family problems of unhappiness,the divorce between dad and her-the three years we didn't live with her,trying to get us from the court and dad looked like an idiot...where she started with nobody and hoped that having children meant that she'd have friends,but then no...they just leave.How Eden uses this house as a hotel moreover a place for family and expresses no interest in her whatsoever.My heart sank.It has never sank so low in my whole life,it was pulled right to the ground and I just went so cold.I've never felt so bad in my life.Many of these things I didn't know,and to think that I just go off and take every day without considering how she's feeling made me feel so selfish.
And i've never felt so sorry.I've never wanted to piece someone together more.
The thing is,I believe she knows what she needs to do in order to be happy,but she won't do it.She doesn't believe in herself enough,and that's beyond my control altogether. This is going to be an ongoing issue,an ongoing situation as she's family; she's my mother.And I do need to be here to support her I realise,but I also need to try at my own life.And she's never really expressed any proudness in what i'm doing and choose to do,but then again maybe she's scared to encourage me as it may encourage me to leave.I can understand that.
But i'm not going to do it.I'm going to try and so hard becuase I owe it to myself more than anyone.And I do have a large number or friends and family who do support me and are proud of what i'm doing which makes me think I have a chance to do this.A chance to succeed.Make her proud of me.
I'd hate it if her proudness of me was confirmed by a very sizeable income.And eventhough she's stated many times she's not 'all about money',it is very important to her.And don't get me wrong,I want to live a comfortable life where I don't need to be concerned for finances and can afford to keep a family and hobbies etc. But it's not what i'm like.I don't have money.But I don't need it to be happy.
But that we'll just have to see.I've never had a lot of money at any time of my life,maybe I never will.Who knows.But at the moment,i'm a student living the student life so it's unfair to judge me on that.
I'm trying hard not to let mums words get to deep as I know they could damage me.I know at the moment this is all a brave face,and when I get back to uni tomorrow and it all resounds in my head the stress will come to surface and i'll be saddened by it all.Hopefully i'll keep myself busy though,apply for placements next year and try and find a job for the mean time.I can't hold this against her,I don't want to.I can't dislike her for it all becuase I know she can't help the way she is.I just hope I don't have to say this to myself for much longer.
I just hope something good happens for her,something that makes her think differently about things.Because she needs some change.Of the good variety.
I'm extremely lucky.And i'm not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I just need to do my best,try my hardest and make those who do believe in me,proud.
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