Reality check.

So,being home is nice.It has made me realise that my second year is finally over,and the stress once induced to late night final-piece creating and essay scrawling is not expected for another year.Which is nice.
However,new stresses have of course arrived.
Yesterday was overall a good day.But the good vibes I felt yesterday have suddenly worn off,as mother revealed to me the harsh truth.
That I currently have,no money.That I won't have any money.The way to get money,will be at home working where I hate,and have avoided for the past 8 months.
The good news is,that I got the job placement at Jimmy Choo. It was an amazing yet tiring day and I thoroughly enjoying walking around the posher ends of London looking at people look at me and thinking that I was going to work somewhere superior.I've never looked at it that way before, because usually it's not my thing.I am around people who would die for luxury and the high life but it's just not on my top list really.I enjoy expensive things if they taste better than the cheap things, or the environment is considerably better, if it looks of more quality and innovation.But in truth,many expensive things don't appeal to me.But on this occasion,it made me feel really excited and proud of myself.
But of course,this morning,mum arrived at my door almost pleased to reveal to me my loan information and how many things I had planned would simply be impossible.Living with Stev will surely be,with only £250 pounds (ish) a month is not enough to cover the flat we want,let alone...anything,including the bills,and other living expenses.This upset me full stop.But it hurt more that I would be letting down a friend as well.My poverty is stopping other people from doing what they want,to.
Jimmy choo is not paid,so I'd have to be at home.Which is fine,however mum said I wouldn't have enough to do other things in reality.She wouldn't ask for anything to live here,which is nice and it surprised me,however she said if I was offered more time to work there I should no-doubtably take it.Of course,I should.It's an AMAZING oppertunity. However,working three months meant I could keep the flat with Stev and my relationship with Joe almost comfortably afloat. After she left my room my eyes welled up,'these are the tests of life' I heard I say in my head 'making the right dessisions' but my heart is always bias.Any job oppertunity can't outweigh my love for Joe,and I truly fear that if I live at home for more than three months,we won't last.

BITTERSWEET.

Now,i'm not sure why I think that.It would be a test for us,to see if the 7months of our relationship has built a foundation to work on.If we can withstand these difficulties, if we can both be selfish and unselfish-and understand why,if we can keep in contact,look forward to being re-united as aposed to counting down the day apart. I am so sad.
I am typing this with tears in my eyes,because I have always told myself I would never let anybody stop me from getting in the way of my future career,or job opportunity.But I can see myself doing it,because I love him to much.
I am in a moment of panic.I assume the worst and worry for the future.Worry what i'm going to do.What i'm going to say.
But I need to be myself and realise that it isn't over.That both can be done and this will all be ok.
In truth,I know me and Joe are strong.I will text him every day,ring him every day,go on skype etc.Send him little things, visit him every couple of weeks-mum said herself that he could visit here,these things could very much make us work.
It will be a test for us.If we are meant to be,then we shall be.
It's just the thought though.Knowing that i've got this bad news to tell him,that the thought of it will be enough to freak us both out,panic, assume the worst like I have just done.

My heart has just sunk to the my feet,and...i'm just so worried.I just hope,so much,that it will be ok.That we will be ok.

I'll talk to dad tomorrow,about the whole finace thing,and see if my original plan is in anyway salvageable.

Oh god.