Feel like Polaroid

I really don't want this any more.I don't want to be me,in this skin,living this life,where I am right now.I do not like this,I can't keep up with these stresses.Today,anyway.
I find it hard to find things,areas of my life which hasn't be touched with shit.I am so fed up of being on edge the whole time,being upset and being stressed.When did I become this person?When did I let my guard down and let all this negativity in?
I don't know what is truly solid any more.I don't know what my future holds for me.I don't know who i'm going to be,or what i'm going to do.It seems as though all these once glorious plans have gone up into smoke.
I want to run away.

On this occasion,I don't mind leaving my problems behind.I don't feel strong enough to hit them head on.I mean,what the hell am I doing?
I am still under my mother thumb.-20 year olds do not have this.They don't need it,it is NOT helpful.So why can't I stand up to her and tell her what I really want?Why do I fear communication with her,of the truth?Why should I keep her in the dark,it's not fair.It may bring us closer together in the long run,I shouldn't be afraid that I need her help and I need her to support my decisions.
I shouldn't fear me and Joes future.After a horrible conversation last night, where, somewhere in my rediculoud mind I thought it best to have the 'talk' and ended up bursting into tears and swearing.Why.Why did I do that?What on earth does he think of me now?I'm becoming an absolute fool.And soon,if I'm not careful,everything will be gone.Absorbed into this mess that I have made.He says we'll be fine,and in my gut I know we will be.But now,all I want to do it cry.My body is so tired,so tired of pretending to be happy and unphased in front of others.The whole year is catching up with me,and finally i'm weakening.I've tried so hard not to let it recently,although today when I realised buying alcohol (to get so drunk I could forget my own name, let alone my problems,) was impossible due to lack of funds,I cracked. The bank lady on the end of the phone got an earful as I realise for some reason £400 has gone.And I think it's suspicious. But this has never happened to me before and I don't know what to do.I'm poor.What the hell am I going to do?I have nothing to sell-everything I own is worth NOTHING.I've been watching the pennies like a HAWK.How could this have happened??When I hope to boldly go home and tell my mother i'll be fine with the money-when secretly I have none!?Vanished and spent by some Arsehole the otherside of the world no less...I just want to disappear.

I'll be fine in a couple of days.This will wear away and i'll become wise again and won't jump to such conclusions about my fine life.I just need to calm down,but I don't know how to anymore.I need to escape but I can't talk to anyone. I don't want to burden them.And in this,I am burdening nobody but myself.And i'm full of all that already.