Weight of disappointment...

I feel heavy with disappointment.
I really felt it,in my bones that I was in for a good chance.But,I suppose it just wasn't meant to be.
This evening I sat and felt conflicted with two opposing feelings.One was of irritation and disapproval of myself.Surrounded by girls of comfortable styles and natures,everything planned out for them and there I sit,my backburner fuled with worry for the future, and my style in constant flux.The more time I spend with certain people,the more I feel I need to adapt.The other feeling was that I felt I was in my element, surrounded by a few girls of the same nature as me.Hadn't got things sorted but were happy and casual about it,that 'something will eventually turn up' and made me feel that's the attitude I should be taking to.
So,I go for it.I put in 110% into everything I do,so if it doesn't turn out successfully, at least I know in my heart there was nothing more I could have done.I can't lie to myself about things anymore.The other way i'm going to be happy,and achieve future happiness is to feel confident in myself-and, my work.
Something will turn up that is perfect for me.I am so determined I won't wrewin and waste my third year-so I won't.I am so determined to keep my relationship with Joe afloat in that same year-so I will.

I concentrate on the friends I find myself surrounded by and find myself more alienated than lucky.These people don't make me feel myself at all, they make me feel insecure and pressured.The old me only seems to come out of it's shell when i'm with Joe.Which is great. But I wish I could be confident enough to rebel and not feel I need to be more like the people i'm surrounded by.We all want to lead different lives, so I need to start concentrating on what I really want-not what I think I want.

So,I shall play the waiting game and try my best to keep on top of everything that comes in my direction.I deserve to give it my all,and I know that everything happens for a reason.I'll just try not go get too bogged down or sad about things.

Hopefully,there's something good around the corner soon.