It doesn't matter how many times people tell me not to let it bother me,I do and I think I always will.It will always upset me that she simply doesn't like me,becuase she's not over the person i'm with.
The thing is,I understand as to why that is.But why can't she deal with it like me?I don't particuarly like her,but I always try.
I suppose i've got to realise that she isn't a threat to me.
I'm happy.
But I still want to run away and be by the sea.On a calm yet gloomy day.Where you can taste the salt on your lips and smell the rain in the air.I just want to sit on a rock,and watch the sea for hours.Try and suss things out.Becuase there is so much backed up in my mind.
Sometimes,although i'm surrounded by many people,I feel very isolated.Occasionally,a wave just passes over me I just feel out of place and disjointed from the situation around me.Talking to friend and realising,no,I don't agree with what you're saying-it can't even be an opinion I disagree with,and we talk it out so it forms an interesting, in-depth conversation becuase it's 'you' through and through.I would be disagreeing with you.Just a simple moment of wondering,what the hell am I doing her?What is the point of all this?work and stress,will it even lead to anything worth while...and then it goes.I snap back into the room,and positive feelings return,it all seems to make sense again.Maybe it's my mind telling me i'm stressed out,or,lacking something.
I think it's becuase as of late,I don't feel like I have any friends.Now this is a harsh statement I realise,and not true.It is also not counting Joe.But,recently I feel like i'm just the one who sits,watches and listens.I'm never asked for opinion,or reciplication,I don't feel as though i'm held particuarly dear to anyone which makes me feel rather lonely.I don't feel people really know me,or really know who I am and what I still have left to give,to tell and say.People don't ask.
And it makes me sad.
It makes me sad to realise that,to get anywhere in this proffesion,(and at the moment,life in general,) one has to battle and barge.Throw ones self in peoples faces in confrontation and over confidence,churn out run-of-the-mill ideas to satisfy a fast and greedy economy.I suppose realising is the first stage to accepting it.I guess today i'm just not in the mood to change my ways to get success that way.Which is probably why I won't get anywhere.
I'm hormonal.Again.
I wish I could somehow shut down my sensitivity,for a slot of time.So then people could not like me,and I wouldn't be offended.So I could strike up a louder voice,bigger confidence,some fiesty attitude towards everything...becuase now,I just don't want to offend anyone.
Sometimes,I don't want to be at uni anymore.I just want to skip forward 10 years and see where i'm at.It's only sometimes I want that,I mean days are goin fast enough anyway.I'm sure it'll be 10 years time before I know it.
I'm just feeling really deep right now.And I would love to talk to someone about it all.Get really buiried in an interesting conversation about religion,meaning of life and such.I want to have a friend who will blow my mind.
I miss them at home :( I miss my dad and brother.
I miss being young,and looking forward to all of this.
I also miss Joe,and I saw him only this morning.
I'm hopeless!
No comments:
Post a Comment