Alone with a fear.

Ok.
I'm going to try and be less criptic here,as it has to be said otherwise i'll drive myself round and round in a horrible little circle.Because,I can not share this fear with anybody.And although one should feel safe and secure at home,I feel more vanerable,as i've no independance to get away if I want to,everything has to have a reason and even after a week it's irritating me.
I would hate to describe how i've come to this fear-as it is my fault for putting myself in it.People would think a great deal less of me,and even lesser if I talk about all the things associated with it.
I'm worried i'm pregnant.
Now.
Writting it out I feel foolish,becuase to be honest, the chances anyway are rather small.I need to write this out or otherwise i'll give it all away to people around me.

I've been on this mini-pill thing for...probably little under a year now,and it's been ok all in all.I haven't put on any weight,hasnt given me spots or mood swings and some claim it does,and it's pretty simple to take.
The only thing is,it stopped things for a while,in fact a very very long while.Perhaps two peroids in the whole year?which were random and not normal to my usual 'regular as clockwork' system.(sorry-not nice detail there.)But it's always given me reason to worry,as i have no month of re-assurence.I mean,when with Ben he always used contraception,so it was a safety thing.But with Joe,we don't use anything else,so there's a great deal of pressure on me to rememeber to take and be safe.
So,I haven't had a peroid in a while which has made me worried.And,two or three weeks ago,I think I forgot to take a pill and I was 15 hours late.They say if you leave it more than 12 to take the morning after pill,just to be careful.But I didn't,and eventhough Joe didn't finish,there are still chances.
So,it's been on the back-burner ever since.
Now,I get the feeling that when I am truely 'with child' I will just know in the pit of my stomach.And at this moment in time,I don't think I am.I think it's just my mind trying to add things up and be logical,when really putting me into a lot of stress and unpleasantness.I think my peroid may be coming soon,as i'm pretty bloated-which i thought was weight for something else,and pretty crotchety,not very hungry or starving-the thing is,pregnacy signs are the same as my peroid signs!which is why i'm so scared and confused.
I know if I were helping anyone else out in this situation,I would tell them to get a test.But becuase mums off work,I have no-where to get one from in my own privacy-and what the hell would I do if I found out that I was??
It would be the worst moment of my life.And i'm shaking just thinking about it.
I do want children,lots of them.Just not now,where i'm making big dessisions in my life.
But I wouldn't want to get rid of it,in case it was my only chance,perhaps damaging future attempts when more ready.I would have to put everything on hold,do a job i'd hate,oh god no no no,I just couldn't do it :( it would be the biggest sin of my life.
Surely,not.Surely it's alright and it's just my mind.

I'm going back to uni next monday,so I'll try and book an appointment for then.To get a test,and some new pills where I know where things stand,becuase I don't care about the inconvience anymore.

I really am praying that it's not the worse case seniro.Otherwise,i'd be fucked.
=[ everything would be wrewined.I would be wrewined.

=[ ohhhhh.Not enjoying feeling this way.So alone =[