There was a part of me that thought that yesterdays entry was encoraged by hormones.Finally,I feel rather womanly again,it's been a good few months.Possibly half a year,which has been bliss at times.But as it co-insided with the whole Ben ordeal,it felt like he had taken it away from me.It's nice to know that in some places things are still running.Or,trying to.
This means that this week may well be filled with terbelent entries of a similar nature,but it feels good to write out,and perhaps read back and cringe.It's been a while since i've done that,as of late i've played it safe and decided to avoid the whole blog thing since joe read it.But I don't care if he does again,I have no secrets from him.Everything comes out in it's own way if it's meant to eventually,so it will in my own way.We've both learnt from that now,I doubt he will again.But,just in case,theres a mention there my love!
Things are still playing on my mind though,and I am growing increasingly worried as the days go by.Putting pressure on myself is one of those things I feel I can do best.I suppose it gets the work done when need be,but most of the time it just keeps my mind occupied.Wrong,so wrong.
I know.
And,talking to dad about it makes me feel reasured that everything is going to be okay,and it'll all work out in the end.But on my own,it all goes round and round my head and people and stuff in general remind me of this future I have...and what the heck i'm supposed to be doing with it.See,Uni was my goal-as i'm sure i've said many times before.But now it's here,and i'm bloomin nearly half my way through it,I need a new goal.And that can't be general and lame,as in the lines of; get married and have children!I mean,eventually,yes.But at this stage in my life i'm meant to be making a name for myself,aiming high and trying so hard not caring if I donnot succeed becuase this is a time where it doesn't matter.'At least I tried' comes into play removing future guilt....supposedly!God,I don't know what i'm on about really.
But i'm worried that what I want to do,won't happen.And i'm not entirely sure what I want to do anymore,I certainly know where I DON'T want to end up,and what I don't want to do carrer wise.So,I guess i'm slowly narrowing it all down.
I need to be spesific so I don't waste time.
Although a lot of the time I keep it under wraps from others,I am a determined person.I just need some perspective,need something to focus on.Becuase right now,I'm not sure.And i'm really scared.
I'm scared that becuase i don't yet have anything concrete in place for the next couple of years,i'll be left with dregs,rubbish jobs,-the best oppertunities scooped up by the more pretty,more organised people who know what they want in life.Have direction.Right now,Direction is what I need.
Now,today-this moment,i'm feeling okay.Happy.(apart from headache and discomfort bodily,) emotionally I'm happy as I feel like i'm finally experiencing what love is.And,I wouldn't trade that for anything.But as the days go,and we get closer,I realise that i'm becoming ever closer to having a dessision to make.To eventually trade it,I mean...I need to get my act together.But things don't happen so perfectly,I won't be able to find a placement and housefriends in Leeds-paid work,chums in a couple of months?So I can experience independence,Joe and the north for a little longer?Things won't happen like that,becuase thats what I really want to happen.I don't want to put our relationship under the strain of distance...not yet,not yet.
And of course,I have no idea where to start applying!I have no idea what would be best experience for me now,would I be able to organise this all for myself?I suppose...i'm afraid of the task and how little time I have,and immidiate help I have at hand.
I suppose...I just need to ask for it.
I've been watching the Sex and the city movie on repeat,and have been longingly admiring the lives they lead.Sure,it's a film,and it's meant to make me feel that way.But,isn't it just truely fantastic,a nice lil circle of trusted friends,successful jobs,romance...ah yes,just getting carried away in everything I should be really.I'm 19,i'm still aloud to do that!
I can't help but be a romantic.
The thing is,I know i'm a capable person,and not only have I promised myself to not let myself down,but others around me to.And I told myself I would NEVER let anyone stand in my way.In all fairness,though I feel I don't have much time,nothing has been researched yet and I don't have a time limmit.It could all fall into place at the last minuet,right?Two sides,always two sides.
But it isn;t the realistic side,and I shan't rely on it.
But I always told myself that i'd live every single day as if it were my last,-especially when focusing on my feelings and the whole relationship with Joe.So what there may be changes in the future,surely I should enjoy what we have now.No time limmits.
I just don't want the 'maybe' playing on my mind.I suppose when the time comes and we are still together,we'll have been together for some time then.I will be older,and so will he.Things will have changed,and hopefully we will have become stronger...I have never felt this way about anyone before.
I really havn't,I mean,never so dear to my heart is he.
I rememeber the days of me and Luke,it was all so fresh and new and we would say silly things about the future,and the months flew by and soon it was a year,I could understand how easy it could be to just fall into this life with somebody else.
But Joe makes it feel so real.And i've never wanted a future,more.
It's all big words and phrases falling out,I know.And I won't tell him til...well,I probably just won't because it's to big to say now!even if we were going out a year.But he just makes me feel so happy,and when I look at him,I just want to smile.Constantly.and I do.His eyes are just so kind and full,I am instantly put at ease whatever's going through my mind.He is so warm,gentle and passionate.Yet impulsive,which I am growing to love all the more.
I believe he holds me dear,to.And there is nothing more assuring than feeling that.
So cheesy I know.And I'll want to take it back as it sounds arrogant,but I don't mean it in that way,that I want to show what we have off becuase thats not the way things are at all.
I have just never felt,so excited about the future with him.
I just hope,there is one.
:)
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