where soul meets body...

Wow,so many people are getting married.I enjoy looking through the photographs,of the people I once knew for there characteristics at school,usually traits of loudness and crudeness the ones you'd assume wouldn't really get far as they didn't appear that inspired by anything.But it proves one wrong,that people can change and want to do things and go places with their life.

Mum surprised me today.
"I actually think you'll do it,I think you will get there." which is wonderful becuase,for a long time I just wasn't to sure she was convinced with the whole route I was taking in life.Maybe an attitude of 'oh,let her do it and then i'll bring out the "I told you so" line,' and now it's as if she's had a bit of proof that i'm determined.Interesting,becuase I have no idea where 'there' is.But I suppose that destination will become clear in time.I should be narrowing it down right now,but I thought i'd write this instead.
I'm feeling a lil bit empty and irritable.Maybe it's becuase I miss Huddersfield and the ability to do what I want,but then I do kinda have that here,just more fuss is made.I miss Joe a lot,it's just a shame we're both a bit bad a communication,although mines to blame on the signal.I guess he's just busy with his friends,maybe i'm a bit jelous he has things to keep him so busy.I mean,I do have things,but I really will drop anything i'm doing to text him,or contact him in some way.Maybe that's wrong,maybe I shouldn't be so interested or keen.If he knew,he'd feel bad but,it's just the way I roll.
He told me he was the jelous/paronoid type but he doesn't seem to across that way with me.Thats a good thing all in all,it's just i've always been sure I'm not but sometimes thoughts creep in and I worry.I suppose I need to worry,when he gives me reason to.And it's awful that I assume there will be...I don't,it's just things seem to be fine.and fine is strange,becuase i'm used to there 'always being something.' History with ben continues to leave it's mark.What a dick.
To be honest,things have been fine between us,considering I was nervous about working with him again.I just havn't let him,and havn't spent any social time with him at all.And I know he thinks i'm not making any effort towards the friendship,but,what friendship is there?So,i'm actually not bothered.
One day,I will tell him what horribleness he put me through,but theres no real point as it'll only kick things off again.He knows anyway,he appologised when I told him I was happily with joe,which is something.It's just a shame how it all happened,how it wrewined a great deal of my social life,and time generally at uni.

I do miss my old friends,and the way things used to be back in the day.Everything is so disjointed now,but then again if people are happy then I suppose one should leave them to it.I don't have a circle anymore,like I once used to.And Robyn is so hard to get hold of,I crave some true girly chat.I miss her alot at uni,and I mean I do tell her so,but I don't think she believes me!But I do,she makes me feel young and innocent again,and I genuienly don't worry about a thing when with her,as we're on the same page and make each other laugh.I don't have anyone at uni who makes me feel so comfortable.Joe maybe,but he doesn't really count.The girly friends I have are hung up on popularity and looking swarve and it's amazing how it can rubb off on you,without it ever being your intention.I never used to know clothing brand names or be the least bit competative within the course/work in general,or give a damn about facebook.But the way others are around you can effect how you act in general.
Being home again makes me feel young agsin,in a way.I'm surrounded by a room that was once filled with a self that wasn't changed by uni.the thing is,though,I like who i've become and how uni has shaped me.I like coming home knowing that I want to be and go other places becuase it shows myself that i'm not afraid to try.

I want next year to be the best one yet.
I know I said that about this year,and I'd say the second half certainly was.But the first half I still fell into my old ways.I've learnt alot this year.In uni years,such a lot happens.Each year is dramatically different,but thats ok if you're expectations are low.Pecermisitc,but at least it's realisitc.
I'm going to try really hard with my work,and i'm going to try just as hard with my social life to,and of course Joe.I'm so happy with him,and i'm determined to not let him down or let it fall apart.I really want to open up and be myself around him,I just can't wait to see him again.Still,it's not far away.
I read what i'm writing and I worry that,i'm in too deep and I should be casual about these things but,i'm just not.Why try and be what you're not.
I am just enjoying everything,everyday,whatever it brings.And hopefully that way,i'll feel happy whatever happens.

:)