I thought it was time for an update,as it has been a while.I suppose I haven't felt like updating...but christmas day n all gave me some reflecting time which I realise was most needed.
It's been a really nice day,and it makes me realise how much I do miss home,it's weird how little the whole uni experience feels like,as there is nothing that comes back with me to remind me-not meaning good nor bad really,just makes me feel like no time has passed,like when I come home i'm back to my 6th form days.It's when I think about someone or something I realise-oh yeaaaah another life up there,hehe.Strange.But excellent.
I'm anxious about the new year,i'm going to admit.Lots of things are going to happen,and are planned to happen such as work experience,which I haven't got anything lined up yet,which makes me feel really un-organised.I know i'm not the only one,and things normally pan out fine in the end,it's just on the backburner.
London or Leeds,that is the question.
Perhaps neither.
Who knows.That is the thing.I suppose,i've just got to keep aware,keep people posted and my eyes open and hope for the best.worrying about it never does anything any good.Speaking of which,I was worried about what this neck of the woods would hold for me,from many angles.Firstly,I always worry about how it'll be moving in again for a short peroid of time,as mum and me have an 'ok' relationship (which would hurt her to know I lable it as such,) with lots of things unsaid,I wonder when it'll all just spill out one horrible evening.But thankfully,that doesn't seem to be on the horizon just yet.I suppose i've just got to be honest to her about things,even if she may not like them.I just don't want her to worry,and want to keep some things private.I should probably change that outlook.But,it's been nice so far.I was also worried about work,and it's just been so busy there I've had no time to even consider worrying about things there,which is great becuase it makes me feel breezy and quiet laid back,and I have nothing to be worried about anyway-I am extreamly happy right now.But you wonder how some things may have changed and whatnot.
It's interesting being back in Clackers,where everyone seems so aggressively themselves.It's almost refreshing and for the first ten minuets or so I enjoy it,but the novelty soon wears off and i'm thrown into the harsh reality that these harsh,horrible faces are paying for there shite food in drug money,and their current relationship is possibly insestral.Awful really.But,it's money.And i've needed it lately,so it's nice to know that i'm helping myself in a way.even if it's only a tiny bit.
Things with Joe are going well,and I am so happy.I worry that maybe he worries,that maybe he's at home thinking it all through and come to a sudden dessision it's not,but it's wrong of me to think that way.I don't mean to,but if he's along the same wavelength as me it's a possibility he may do.It's a shame my signals a bit poor and my family go to bed so early!I wish he were here,I really miss him.And not just in a coupl-y way,but just the things he comes out with,his smell...his music,just being able to see him,if only for an hour or two.It sounds so serious,and I suppose I don't think it is-of course i'm treating it seriously,but not in the sense there's a great deal of pressure on us both,and I hope he feels the same in that respect.It just feels pleasantly casual,yet passionate to.I think it's the first time i've found a balence I truely enjoy and feel comfortable with.There's still so much I can't wait to tell him,see and do with him.
I'm just going to take the same outlook as I did at the very start,that i'm just going to enjoy every single day and hope for the very best.And I shan't let people win,by making me feel akward and out of place....becuase I love him so much,I really want us to have a future.I will do everything I can,becuase it's all so worth it.
:)
So,i'm not sure what tomorrow will bring.Hopefully all will be well,but you never know with family,they sometimes through a curve ball.I hope mum will be ok.
I'm going to dye my hair red,and smile with all my might.
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