It's been nice returning home,eventhough i'm missing an important day at uni,I hope to make up for it in this week some how.I feel the stress really did overtake me at some points,and sometimes it's so good to get away from distractions that can break you down.
Seeing Ben was of course a bad idea.I really wasn't sure what to expect,how i'd feel or what to expect,if maybe feelings would return or not.I was worried about it alot,whether someway he'd be able to tell that my heart didn't belong to him anymore.It's been such a long time,since i've been able to say that.And it feels good.And yes,eventhough it could all dessolve any moment,I'm just trying to enjoy all the things I have now.
The main thing I felt when I saw him,was irritation.He was already rushing around to find where we needed to go,he was already on about work and something I wasn't wearing or something along those lines,already he had managed to put me out,and I was biting my tounge.It really did occur to me how little of my actual self I am around him,how much I actually hold back is really rather worrying.I don't mean to,in his own way,he just encorages me to,whilst at the very same time telling me to be open.As he knows i've been stressed with uni work,he feels that any time I get slightly annoyed or provoked,i'm taking out all my stress on him-and friends shouldn't rely on each other for that.I was so far gone beyond the stage of giving a damn,I just nodded quietly and allowed the night to roll on,him becoming for drunk and bossy,me more reserved and on the brink of tears.Each time his body even touched mine,I wanted it to be Joes.I felt so lost and unfamiliar with him,whereas one time I thought I could call it home.His skin,his scent,was no home of mine.I did not belong there.And when we started to do,the things we planned we'd do,it was rough and needy,painful and jutting.I just could not give myself all to him.
Mistakes were made.And I think he could tell.
And we didn't talk,we didn't talk at all about the things we planned were needed to clear the air,it was even about his work,his friends and troubles,or a little bit of my uni work.It was unbalenced,and,quiet uncalled for.
I could almost see myself standing back from afar reflecting on myself with a shake of the head,realising how weak I was,sitting opposite a guy I was pretty much on the brink of hating.Of course,when I say that,my heart sinks with sympathy,I want so much for us to work,I want so much to be happy around him,but we're SO uncompatible it is actually impossible.Almost everything we do,we seem to conflict and contrast in some way.
It's nice to know that tomorrow when I go back,it'll be a while til I see him again.I mean,at work I will,but theres not alot he can do there.I'm sure he'd try,though.I don't want to think so far ahead to christmas already,as in the mean time I hope theres lots to look forward to.
I'm looking forward to wednesday most of all.He's going to cook me a meal,and we'll watch some films.Last time he came over,it was amazing.In my akwardness I put on peep show,and we both talked over it with our favourite quotes-the joy,the wonder,as I found myself shaking in a fit of hysterics as he talked back one of my favourite spaced quotes,in such a tone,I could actually feel my soul raise within me.He said I was amazing,aww.That he had a really nice time,that it was amazing we both liked the same things.I already felt with him,I already felt apart of him,he's body was more home to me,so genuine,kind and funny,so damn close to being...perfect.
And I tell myself not to get excited,but it's to late,i'm beyond that stage now.but as I said before,this ^^ what I've felt/am feeling/look forward to,is all worth it.
I just hope it doesn't all go away.I already find him in my thoughts...
To the beach I go this morning.Then see dad and my grandma,aw.I've missed it all so much!
Hopefully...it'll all be ok in the end.
=]
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