Just gunna have to paint myself a hole,and fall inside...

I wonder if on those anonmous pages of regrets and forgotten loves,people who post "You know who I am,and I love you" are real or strangers.Not that thats happened to me particuarly,I just wondered.
finally,everything has been handed in,I was surprised at how much work I had actually done,when all put together in a pile.I wave of proudness washed over me,as I packed it all away for today.I really hope this is all worth it,the amount I hear and read in the papers,on the tv about all these poor,debt riden young adults who emerge from the haze of uni to only work in fast food places makes me worry.But then if you're determined enough,surely you can do anything.
Thats what I like to think,but I could just be cocky.I'm in that state where,for once everything is going ok,so I can look at pretty much anything and smile almost smugly.It's not cool!but at the same time,it's been such a long time i've felt excited and happy.I do still worry about it all suddenly crashing around me,and i'll be left feeling wounded,but as my good friend Steph says,it's best to 'live life recklessly'-if you feel the highs,you've got to feel the lows.I was in a low for a fair while it has to be said.
I'm worried by this silence that has fallen between him and me,usually he makes things incredibly difficult for me,but this time now that hasn't been a single word.I wonder if it's becuase someone somewhere has said something to him,I know a number people have offered to do that in the past-i've always said no,it would be an awful thing to do.But then,you just don't know.Maybe he's found someone to forget about me.-that sounded so lame,but I really do hope it's true.Becuase the nest time I see him I want to be ablw to talk to him and do things as friends,not...well,what we were before.Maybe,I don't have a clue what I want with him-I don't mean in any confusion to romantic feelings toward him-hell no.But,friendship wise.Ah well,maybe when he's grown up a little.

Anyway,me and Sian have plans to go to London in a couple of weeks,go to a few shops,Camden,brick lane etc, gather inspiration for out new projects and such.It's nice to have something new to look forward to.

Well...i'm seeing him soon,and I have the butterflies!just...wow.I needed this to come along for me,to give me some contrast,to give me something exciting and,well wonderful to hold onto.and each time I smile,worry stirs in me-but is that just worrying for the hell of it?I bet he's not worried about that,so why am I?Did Ben really have that much effect on me I doubted any good spells in my life...oh if only he knew what he did oh my goodness.
Anyway.
More on that as it develops,blimey.I'm nervous!Why!