As of late,I feel it's been a while since i've updated my general blog.I realise on reading,it doesn't really have any sort of themee,it just rolls into a variety of various ramblings as my thoughts and veiws change dependant on my mood.
It's safe to say though, that at the moment,i'm feeling quiet possitive.
Chrismas is on the gorizon now,which I enjoy only because others do.I realise that really,it's a time for children,were myths are created and enjoyed,lists of wants and desires are created,constant watch for snow out the window.It's just so romantic and full of childlike innocence.It's occured to me that,my life is no longer innocent and clean,calm and organised as it once used to be in my childhood days.I mean,that is what growing up and being an adult is all about really,but things just aren't the same anymore.And I find it hard to be excited about christmas when the focus is on family,and so many things have been discovered which makes me veiw it all rather differently.People just carry on,but i'm not very good at ignoring it.And one day,it's just all going to happen,al going to errupt and change.
but maybe that's a good thing that needs to happen so we can all move on wit our lives.
It does however, remind me of past good times the festivities brought.But I have to admit,last year was awful on so many levels.Hopefully it won't be the same this year,i mean, it can only be better,it isn't a difficult one to top.
I'm not sure what home will bring for me when I return.I can't wait to see my family again,but I know it will only be a couple of days and it'll be the same and i'll be craving uni times up here and counting down the days.I'll unfirtunatly be working a large amount of it,which means alot of contact with him which i'm not looking forward to much,espeically as he's girlfriend works there to.It's not the fact they're together,she's erfectly nice and i'm relived he's found someone that he's happy with.It's just I know he'll probably try and make it really obvious,try and provoke jelousy which is so childish and abserd.But that is the kind of level he works on,which will make me want to go back to uni evenmore.It's unfair how,he always seems to be the one who determines weather I have a good time at home.If he knew his power,he would certainly abuse it.
I shouldn't even be thinking about it at all really,i'm above all that.but I can't change my sensitivity to his cruleness at times,even if I am his suposed 'best friend' and that we should still hang out and such.It doesn't mean anything to him,it's all just 'rule book' crap.Oooo just thinking about it all makes me angry.Maybe i'll be proved wrong though,maybe he'll be adult and talk to me like the old times before all the unpleasantness.We'll just have to see I suppose.
I'm confused and concerned about my current situation with joe to,I mean,are we in a relationship?Inside I think we are,i mean I have no feelings for anybody else and know I won't and I don't want to.He makes me feel so safe,yet free.He inspires me,opens up my mind to so many new wonderful things,film and music...I know he is bringing me out of my shell I was beaten into last year and I'm enjoying it so much.But he is so casual and laid back,he's probably happy not calling it anything at the moment.And thats fine,I understand,it would be nice to know where I stand really I suppose.And also show all my friends what a lovely person i'm with!But that is a bit selfish of me.
I'm worried i'm already in quiet deep really,as I just want to spend so much time with him,even if it's not doing anything in particular.And I want t get back to him as soon as possible,it's like how i used to be,how I used to feel when with somebody,i'm just so happy how it's all come about.But i'm to afraid to ask,in case I look stupid.
Maybe I will pluck up the corage,but then again i'm just waiting for him to say it.
Hopefully he will.I recon it's nearly a month.Thats a considerable amount of time isn't it?
Uni projectwork is going prett slow,which is annoying becuase i just want it to be amazing.But i'm sure it'll all come together in it's own way,it uselly does but normally towards the end which is iritating because it's always such a mad rush at the end.
I feel happir where i'm living this year though,just generally I feel at home,and although my flat friends are all guys and have typically boyish ways they're always there for me and make me laugh very much.I feel i'm getting to know the girls on my course much much better to,I feel more independent and my own person these days but theres so much more competition in the air which just gives the day an added layer of pressure which is never required.But then again,it's also what this 'is all about' and if you can tough it out,there must be some sort of reward at the end.
I hope so,anyway.
ah,hopefully.
I'm currently situated in Joes room as he's doing some music work with his flatfriends.Although I feel I should be at home doing work of my own,i'm glad we're at a comfortable level where he knows I can entertain myself and not get annoyed,becuase why on earth would I be annoyed at that?I do not doubt he's ability to enjoy me,which was something I never thought anyone would do again as i attracted such nutter-ish,unstable,self-centered people.But he is none of those,and it makes me go all warm and fuzzy inside.Hope he won't be to long though,as my eyes are starting to droop and I don't want to fall asleep just yet.
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