Oh no.
I let him in again,and he's noticed my change.In confidence.
I hate upsetting him,I hate it so so much.
And yet,I know I can't be in his life anymore to stop all his hurting.I didn't know how much I meant to him,and thats upsetting in itself.


I need to ignore him.
But,I'm just not strong enough to.


I'm going to Pouls soon,so,hopefully it'll help take my mind off things.
But...I know thats bad.But,I need to put myself first and I want something to rely on,I want something to work on that isn't going to result in all this upset.Because thats all i'm getting.And I know,it's been advised so much.THIS IS WHAT HE DOES.And,it's me to do all the making up...when i'm not even sure I want to go back to the way things were,becuase I was always upset.
But i know saying that would hurt him more than anything...and I could never do that even if he deserved it.Which makes me believe I still love him.But I don't want to anymore.I want this to be a clean slate...

Oh how I wish I were stronger.