It is rarely easy,situations such as these want to make it difficult to come together simply.But then again,why do I deserve for it to be so easy?I've always known going against my very good word to bstart off with would be a dangerous idea,and now when I fear I have to go and hurt him all over again makes me nervous and scared.Especially as i'm seeing him tomorrow,eeek.
What is this?What am I doing?There is no way I am going to come out of this looking good,or wording it in a polite way so it isn't as bad as...it actually is.There are no such words.I have found myself a guy I really want something with,and Ben is the only thing holding me back,due to our arrangements this weekend,the things he's bought me etc etc.The list goes on,he is clever,he is usuing materialistic items as leaverage to look better.I know he cares a great deal for me,and I do care about him to,well enough to forgive him each and every time he makes me upset.He'll always be able to break me,becuase I have nobody behind me to help keep me strong.
I am ashamed of that.
But last night,I felt the long lost feeling of affection and,desire.Not just of a sexual kind,but the sort I just want to climb right under his skin and get to know all about him.We watched eternal sunshine,and talked all the way through it how fantastic the music was,how clever the plot was pulled together,he interesting the concepts were.If only he knew how much of my favourite film it was,how it almost (and cheesily,) made me who I am today-how Ive always longed to find someone who'd enjoy watching it as much as me...I was smiling endlessly.We then kissed for hours,we talked and touched each others faces,I'm trying not to get too excited,but it just felt so real.He felt so real to me.His skin was just so soft,and he's laugh was so genuine,I looked into his eyes and felt that I really,really wanted to be his.
And,Ben didn't even cross my mind,because...he's nowhere near as close,he's not even close to my feelings and attraction towards Joe.
Aw.
So,what am I to do about this?There is no doubt that I am going home this weekend,and I will be spending at least one full day with Ben,and will almost certainly be doing things together.Which,was a nice thought I was looking forward to several months about.But,now,I'm dreading it.Becuase the body is the best lie detector,and I don't want to hurt him.I don't want him to find out,I want him to continue living in this made-up world he lives in,where I forgive him and theres a chance.I will end up upsetting him in the end,I know it.And I have lied when I told him I didn't have feelings for anybody new,and there wasn't anything going on when I took a long time to reply to a text.
In truth,I know he knows I'm going to find someone new eventually.Why won't he find someone first?
But then again,you only live once.And what can I do,continue lying to myself and everyone around me?nobody close to me likes Ben,it would be such an unpleasant venture,and I know that it would end up upsetting me so much.
Maybe I should nothing for the time being,and wait for the right time.I know there is no right time,but I do know that I can't say anything the very day before...oh dear,what a mess i've got myself into.
Musn't lead him on to much,I know I musn't.
I really want things with me and Joe to...well,become something.
Im not even sure yet,I don't want to get too excited.But I know I like him everso much,and,when i'm with him i've never felt so happy.
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