I needed another blog fix.
It's been a busy and eventful day today,and i'm feeling much more posetive in comparrison to what wrote before...although,theres alot of things that have happened that I don't think have really sunk in yet.
Family relationships.
It's mother.It's always mother.I'm always amazed that,we're actually related.On the surface,we get on really well and I feel we're good friends and I can talk to her about things.But only certain things,and thats the way it's always been.It's the way she is that makes me react in a secretive way about things i choose-such as love,sex and money.Everything else,she knows.It's only becuase she has so many other things worrying her,she doesn't need to know my problems and such.Of course,she'd dissagree,but...she's a difficult person.And,what she said to me the other day will always remain for us both.And,I'm glad that i'm far away now so she can let it simmer and hopefully die down,becuase I havn't actually done anything wrong.But she always makes me feel as though I have.I thought I did the right thing at the time,and it's happened now.I don't want to talk about it all over again to her,and digg up all the horrible emotions and feelings at the time.
I know she's dissapointed I don't open up to her more.But I just don't feel like I can.I want a bit of privacy in my life,especially about things that mean to me.
At the end of the day,we share lots in common.But in truth,we're different in a lot of ways,so things I would share may not even go down to well with her,just becuase she didn't have the same opinion.
I'm just glad of my dad and brother to be honest.I now realise now how,me getting on along much better with guys-and prefere the company to guys,boils down to my very own background upbringing.
It's amazing how you can take a blind eye to how messed up everything really is.
No,I do it becuase the now is what matters.And we're all human beings which means that mistakes and arguments happen and feelings get hurt as a result.Awful things can happen,but they happen for a reason.And I can't let anyone spoil this current stage in my life-uni,and all the joys that come with it.I don't need family rubbish right now,this is a once in a lifetime oppertunity for me,where I don't have huge mounds of stress or a family of my own to worry about,I have crushes to hopefully persue and enjoy being excited about!
I really don't...want all this merlarky.And,I know tomorrow i'll feel differently,probably upset and bad for admitting what I have just done.
But hopefully,i'll be able busy telling people how I feel about them.
I'm ready to make this move...i think,i mean,i need to in order to move on from Ben,to sort things out,to make the butterflies in my tummy everytime I see him satisfied!Sure,it may all backfire-he may not feel the same way.But if I never ask,i'll never know.And actually want to ask someone out for the first time in my life.
Eventhough that it a powerfully uncool phrase to use!
eeek!uni meetings and him...eeee i'm looking forward to it!I just hope it all goes ok!
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