Last night was quiet,quiet insightful.I would follow that on and say 'unfortunatly',but to be honest in what some insight that I needed.It was lovely to be back again,everyones moved in the new flat which is great,Sian came over and we chatted with some rum and coke about holidays,guys and their annoying ways.I really needed it,because it's been a while sinse i've unloaded all these thoughts,to someone who actually cares.We ended up going out,which was fun to but I ended up suddenly sober,which makes you realise what you're actually doing.Well and truely aware of everything going on around me,the people and what the looks really mean,everythings so try hard and clostraphobic.And all I could think about and wanted was him to whisp me away to a small little room with coffee and lots of interesting conversations.I know i'm now at that stage where I've gone to far to not be dissapointed,I really want him.He makes me feel so comforted.
And being with her and all her friends made me realise that,that wasn't what they wanted.And as she reached at a guys hand cupping a bottle of something strong scented and poked it up her nose,I knew that this wasn't where I wanted to be.It was as though I was well and truely thrown into it all,as though I never left.
Don't get me wrong,I love going out and being with all these brilliant people.But on the whole,it's not really my scene.It could be if I wanted it to be,but on the whole it just drains me of energy,money I dont have,and ambition to really get to know any other people I meet.In that environment nobody really cares-as long as either/both legs and boobs are out on show and you've got a pretty smile and can't walk straight,then you may get a 'hey' and an akward dance.Thats the importance of alcohol really,it can drone all the reality out.
I really hope it does come to something,all of this.And I really hope that i'll gain the strength to Ben not to come up to visit.I don't need to to go another gig,for lack of monies and time.And it would generally be a bad idea.I don't want him in here,I don't want him to touch me...after what mum said of him,what pain he's brought to me and my life...a whole year just...desolved.
But he won't make it easy,as ever.But if I know that it'll all be worth it,which,in the long run I know it will...I'm sure guys can tell if you've got another guy on the brain-whether good or bad,i'm sure it would drive them away.
Plus,I don't get anything from him.I don't smile,he doesn't want to make me smile,he only wants to give me some rough pleasure-and usually have a go at me for something afterwards.I couldn't do it to all my friends here either,who hate him and what he's put me through.
I know the fact that people don't like him,make me want to like him,so at least he has someone.But that would be a bad idea all together.I would le everyone down.
Oh,he hasn't texted back.
It was friendly,nothing over the top,but just told him I were sorry for being shy and silly.But I had a lovely time,hmm.It wont be long til I lose the opertunity to say anything.Maybe next time I hug him i'll just say it.-that will make him feel akward.But at least the ball would be in his court.
Maybe he's nervous to.He must know how I feel,acting strangely around him getting all giddy and embarressed.It's just,I really like him.So much,we have so much in common and I honestly believe he'd make me feel so safe,calm me down yet give me so much to look forward to.I mean,he does already.Just by being...my friend.
I should really tell him,but I feel like a little girl again.This is where I realise I am grown up now,that you can't just ask out a guy...it's more than that.
Oh how,how will I break the news to you?
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