In young shoes.

So much has happened this week,and i've learnt a great deal.I wonder how many times I have actually said that over these entries,it's amazing how many have accumulated over the past few months,reading back over a few have made me realise what things have changed and stayed the same.
Currently,i'm hanging in the balence.I actually did it,a few days ago,I actually told him it was a bad idea for him to come and visit after previously telling him I had feelings for someone new.Now,harsh of me that may seem,to admit that someone new had got a piece of my attention.But I would have approciated it if he had done the same for me,i'm just preparing him IF something were to happen.I mean,i don't have any idea what is or isn't going to happen-especially with my mind set.But I do want a relationship this year,so if the oppertunity came up,I let him know I may go for it.
Of course,he did not take this well.He over-reacted,got very very upset indeed resulting in me feeling most upset and as though I had done wrong,and...it was just plain awful.I realise,so many things as of late revolving around him leave me so bitterly,deeply hurt.It takes me days to recover.Which,is why I'm writting this now.

but,after those few horrible days,relife did wash over me.Guilt did to,because I know that he was hurt and upset-especially when everyone else seems to be leaving him at the moment.But at no point I said that I wanted to cut him out of my life,I just didn't want to get close to him again.Which,is the truth.I know that I will,and i'll be sad when he leaves,i'll fall behind on so much work,and my friends will think so much less of me,it'll bring us closer together for no real reason.I mean,of course I want to be close to him,but I don't want to...still love him.It is unfair for us both,to be fulling this friendship with passion,lust and desire when we both know it'll lead to nothing of a relationship sort.And,although he brought it up again, I had to say that we're not compatible.I just can't let him in again,it would destroy me.

I thought I were doing the right thing for me,but it turns out he's powers of crap-ness are making me feel just so.
This is the now.This could be the last day I ever live,and I just can't waste it all on him.Unfortunatly,I can't let him in becuase he's just not good for me.
and now he's texting,asking me what I think is the right thing,basically asking me to break his china heart all over again,to rub it in again...I just,don't know how I let him in,i the first place.I should have stuck with my gut.

Speaking of guts I wish I had them to kiss Poul.Whenever the oppertunity comes up,I talk.and grin,and walk away.I become like such a little kid,like a girl who's never kissed before.And it sucks,becuase usually i'm far more confident,well...I used to be.I really like him,and I hope he likes me to,I hope I don't freak him out.
I really need to tell him,before this moment passes me by....