I will follow you into the dark.

No,no.This was to be expected.
I know now that my ideas of making up do not actual make it all up in my mind.He thinks it's all fine and okay,but really it's yet another ingreidient to the pot of steaming,brewing,bubbling regret,anger and pity I've been brewing for the past year.I need to get a hold of this situation,but I just can't seem to.It doesn't matter how much I tell myself,i'm so weak at the sight of him,anything that came out of his mouth would make me smile.I'm incredibly pathetic,as it's just wasted on him.
So,what i'm feeling now is just a part of my lil pattern,cycle if you will.What I critized him for having some time ago.How wonderfully ironic.

I want to find someone else more than ever.I want to move on,more than I know I need to.I hate this imbetween stage,this not knowingness is just killing me.However much he needs me,he only needs me when he fucking feels like it.And thats not what friends do.

I know who I want,I know I want to try so hard this year,but I want a relationship.Not a messed up,screwed up friendship where i'm forever hurting.
It will come as a great surprise to him,and as a result it'll probably be over.But i know that pushing out something good,will hopefully allow something fantastic in.
And aw,I need some fantasticness in my life =[