I was once betwixed.

I can't believe i'm leaving tomorrow.It's that time of year again,where the change is happening.This is going to be the start of something fantastic...

I do hope.

My room is looking bare.And although fully clothed,i'm feeling it to.I don't know what it is,well,I know it's the leaving-the change,and the expectations of those changes and my expected dissapointment.But it's also knowing that when I next return things arn't going to be the same as they are right now.

He just doesn't care anymore....

I need to get over it and move on.This change,this movement will help me do that.

I realise,I dearly want a relationship with a future.I havn't felt this way in a long time,but as winter is drawing in,I want someone to keep me warm at night,someone to make things for,really work to make...something amazing.I want someone speical in my life,to share so much with.I don't want to mess around anymore with my head,with these rediculous situations.
And I will take some chances,and I will make so much effort.But I will also make so much effort to let go,jump in and have fun.I know pressure on myself won't make anything go faster,and why should it be rushed anyway?
But i'm at that age now,where I'd like something to put so much into.And i've got so much to give,so much.

I want it to be him.I want to do all the things we plan we will do,and I want it to be him.
And it's ok,because we're not too close so,if it's a polite no,then that'll be ok.
Becuase when I see him,and it all goes well...I will tell him how I feel.
£hearts;

He was too grown up for me,and he's intentions of care would turn to cold,harsh,over exagerated words that cut way beyond the chase and deep inside where I'd go silent and wouldn't be able to stop crying.He would try and change me,silly things like tshirts i'd wear to the people I spoke to and hung around with.Friendly comments would entail jelousy and greed,he wouldn't trust me,and he turned bitter.
He'd live in the past constantly,refusing to get over people/situations that were long gone,he would be defeatist and dramatic.He wouldn't be happy becuase,he didn't want to be.
He never really told me how much I meant to him,eventhough I knew I did mean alot.He would do what he wanted to recieve such as mounds of expensive gifts,when I just couldn't get in that wavelength and would create meaningful items that took hours to prepare for him to sneer at and not understand.
He'd be incredably arrogant,claim to be unconfident yet feel the he was the center of the universe,thinking everyone cared of his appearence,everybody was looking.
He would be far to serious.He had to spend lots of money in order to have fun.
I thought i loved all those qualities in him.When really,it really made me grow heavy and unhappy.In all,the sexual pleasures were by far the best part of the relationship as it were a time we didn't have to talk.
But I'm a naturally emotional person,someone who needs to hold someone dear,tell them everything,I need to open up,not close up...and thats exactly what he made me do.

But I'll always forgive him.Becuase it's not in my nature to dwell.And tomorrow,I'll smile.And I'll try,and hope that this will just be beneath me,that the lies and unpleasantness will soon recoil on him,and i'll feel joyful to admit,it's all too much too late...and he'll always be sorry to treat me the way he did.And he'll always wonder about me,how i'm doing,always wish he'd help me to open up,but the harsh truth is...he's just not the one.
He'll never be that special someone.

And I feel okay admitting that now.Becuase I am really ready,to move on.