Good old,comforting,square one...

I'm looking forward to this year being different.Yet already I can see how easily I can let things slip back into the same routine-if it can be put so clinically.
I learnt alot from last year,but I know I shall be letting far to many people down,mainly myself if I let things pan out the same way,just so I give in to a desire when the moment has got a little bit hotter,and things are promised.It all seems perfect on the surface,but I know only a matter of days afterwards,pangs of regret sink in and I question my choices.And thats never a good sign.
I know this year will be different in general,as,things will be different for many.A couple of friends have children,a couple of others are settled in there jobs and on-off relationships,one's getting married this saturday,and a couple are doing the uni thing this time around.The situations generally different,so it'll be different outcomes for all.Hopefully,for the better.
I can see how I could let him creep in again though,how already he's pointed out a billy Tallent gig in Leeds and that he could stay for a couple of days.My heart lurches and my face can't hide the smile-that I love Billy tallent,and in the gig environment I love his company.Memories flood back,of past gig ventures.I can't help but hide my soft spot,that is punk rock gigs of bands I may not have ever heard before yet fallen in love with in an over-crowded,stuffy hall filled with merryment and pretty people.That he had opened my eyes to new,adult things I probably wouldn't have done by now without meeting him.And I know he knows i'll always appriciate him for that.But expences,gigs,ventures can only go so far unfortunatly.And I've always got this feeling over shadowing me,that soon we will fall out.Becuase,we always do.we have a spell of goodness,good times,getting on well-and then-wham-upset happens,he makes me feel like the worst person ever,and I'll fall into saddness.He'll say words i'll never forget,cold,harsh words that in two days he'll pretend were never said and we try and get back to being 'good' again.Because that's the way he rolls,whether he knows it or not.
Unfortunatly it was ones dearest to me who spyed this before I noticed this cycle,but now i've seen and heard it all I feel as though the next time can never be as worst as the ordeal before-i'm always unpleasantly surprised to find i'm wrong.

You can't be intermate with a person and not have feelings for them at the same time.That is a fact for me,and I was silly to think otherwise and shan't be mistaken again.For some obserd reason several months back I thought i were happy with the way things were-and I probably wrote it every single day to make sure I were sure,but now I know I was only doing it so...I could still be with him.The intermate moments were always the best,it was where the reality could be forgotten.But,as soon as the moment was over,harsh reality hit me in the face as no,he didn't make me laugh-at all.Ever.He didnt do so many things a guy should do for me,and I was horrified I let him get into the position he was in,where other guys I would have made work alot harder to be so priverlidged.-I don't mean that in a 'looking down my nose sorta way' but more so,my own personal respect levels.A lot of the time I can't hide the fact I feel dirty,and I hate not being in a relationship.
And after watching an entire season or two of Sex and the City,I realise more than ever how romantic I am,and how i really do want to be swept off my feel and rewarded for waiting,becuase i'm worth more than...a rediculous cycle!
I know,that it's just back to the good old,comforting square one again,where I should probably scratch him off my cards all together and start afresh with someone more promsing.And i've met people,i've met somebody I would just love to let in...i'm so determined to not admit that Ben in alot of ways screwed me up.But at the same time,I know I do have some level of control and that,if I say the word,he will abide.Not easily mind.

I know I go on about what a rubbish level people around me seem to be on,and I feel awful for it.But they really do make me so determined,to not wind up a failer.Some people are just...so in there own little worlds,and i know this won't be the last of what i see.I just manage to get myself so coiled up with these people who seem so uncomfortable,strange and...unstable.Insecure,if you will.And i look at myself on the outside,what i'm saying,what i'm seeing and fear that this is how it'll always be.Me,communicating on this level I don't really belong,and the people i'm meant to be conversing with rattling off on whatever they choose,in some crazy way to make me annoyed and opinionated-and,whats ironic is that they're succeeding!I fear that,this is the only sort of person I will attract,and will find me attractive.Thats harsh and wrong,I know.It's untrue.But,when i'm a down note,they're the ones that pull me closer to the ground,as I bite my tounge and pretend to give a damn.
I don't think i've ever wanted to have an argument with anyone so flamming obnoxious,arrogant and irritating in my whole life,and yet the next day i'm pressented with jam,a friendship braclet,a picture on facebook...and I realise that to them,this is a friendship.Is it me who's veiwing this in the wrong way?
but I shouldn't be spending my time with someone who gets me so aggrovated.It can't be healthy.My ears cannot stand any more lies,or anymore...disrespect.
Being criptic for a moment;
If you were really my friend,you would understand me as the way i am.I keep personal things and feelings close to me,i'm not going to brag about anything or try and envoke jelousy.I'm not a slut,so I won't let any guy leave a mark on my neck-so don't ask the question when you know the answer so you can just have the satisfaction knowing something you know I want to be kept secret.Have the decensy to respect my privacy,not start up rumours with your friends to make everything so much more dramatic,AND then go on to tell me that you have feelings for a guy your friend may like...I personally feel it is out of order,using my 'niceness' as a tool to walk all over me and try and gain some sort of power.Fancy asking me if i'm 'treading on my toes'.It's almost laughable,but i'm afraid it just upsets me.And you seem to forget that I was there when all the lies came out-eventhough it's none of my buisness,seeing as you tell my every tiny detail i feel it suddenly is as i feel i were practically there!And I listened to his side of the story to-don't pretend I don't know,becuase I do.I don't tell you anything becuase I am scared you'll twist it into another lie for your pleasure.I don't believe you anymore,and I probably never will again.I'm sorry but you've blown it with so many,and you have with me too.I wish I could actually tell you these things,but they'll always just be in the back of my throat and i'll let you carry on...

I hope to one day explode.And shock everyone,and say everything they're thinking.But I know that I wont because I feel sorry for you,and thats bad.

But thats the way i am,thats the way it is.But it wont be long until i'm literally away from it all,so,then I can attempt to rebuild myself and let somebody,and my real friends in again.