"playing the role...I'm someone in control....Why do I rush to slow down everything?"

It's been strange weather as of late.I feel like such a grown-up commenting on the weather so,but it really has been quiet random.When I were younger,I used to think that the conditions in the sky reflected on my well being.Lets face it,I were nuts.But sometimes it kinda makes sense.I have been a bit here,there and everywhere.But then I get that sometimes,when everything catches up with you,it takes a wee while to order in the mind.
I havn't been too well the past couple of days,this narsty infection doesn't want to go away.Is it bad I think it's some sort of punishment?anyway,I feel i've tried fighting it for too long,and have finally got something to hopefully make it go away.So hopefully our week in the Lakes won't be wrewined.Urgh,i'm not sure i'm looking forward to it.Actually,thats a horrible thing to say.I'm very lucky to be going,and i'm sure i'll have a great time with mum,Rick and eggs,I always do...it's just all the walking.I do love a walk though,it actually think it helps open me up to my old self again.I hate being dependant on the internet,I think it's becuase I fear leaving it for a week.I mean,how rediculous is that?A week does go quickly,and in all honesty not alot happens to me in a week,I guess it's just wanting to know whats been going on with my friends.But there we are.A week away will probably do me some good.

I had a reply from the past today.It was refreshing,yet it did make me a bit sad.I always wonder if he reads these things,I know he used to and loved knowing he did.Although i'm sure reading my past entries will probably make him veiw me entirely differently as I droan on about such crap.He knew me before all these sorts of change.He claimed that he didn't know how to help me anymore...and it shocked me,becuase,I obviously have changed.But at the time,I guess I thought i were doing the right thing.What with the whole uni thing,I thought it would be best for the both of us.Maybe I was wrong to do that.I worry,in a way.Because,there was something missing.Obviously,I can't expect it to fall back into place,that isn't and wasn't my intention.But I wanted to thank him,for everything that he had done.It still gives me comfort that there are people out there.That I shouldn't be scared about moving away to different places,different things.I want so much for him to be happy,but I feel he's too reserved in his reply,it's just so polite it really has made me re-think my own way of communicating.But it was exciting to see in my place,that familiar yet mysterious brown enverlope.

I fear I squeezed out some of the witt and charm,you once beheld so cheerily.And I know it's unfair of me to say,but it makes me want to appologise every single time I have the chance to contact you.But I feel,you don't deserve me in your life,for i've upset you enough.Nothing cuts deeper than: "dissapointed".But I must be thankful for your reply-and I really am!It's just left me in a state of...should I?
I think it's this perscription i've been given,its made me feel rather inbalenced.I don't know whether to call in sick for work tomorrow,I really CAN'T hack another day at that place,in this state anyway.I'll be ok,I probably will go in as I can't afford to miss the pay!But urgh,all the same.

Change is a-coming for everyone.I'm meant to be attending a leaving doo for a couple of friends from work,but i don't think I'll go,not feeling to well and...I just know the night it'll be.I know how i'll end up feeling,and i know thats bad to predict.But I WILL need alcohol on the night.And that i've banned myself of,and we're leaving early the next morning,it just can't happen...i'm worried about what he'll say!
Anyway.
Indeed,a week away will be quiet good I feel.This is what always happens.I go with the flow,I live for the moment,I smile and just hold it all in.To later feeling like a complete idiot.I do it to myself every time.

I am counting down the days to return to uni all the while.I can't wait to be back,in it all again.Was so fast paced,so social and exciting,always things to do and people there right by my door,I miss it so.I know I shouldn't wish away any time...But it really is going to be a batter year.I made my mistakes the first time around.
We had another fall out the other day,and he was well and truely in the wrong and I didn't buckle this time.He apologised and actually told me how he felt.He isnt completely heartless,and he cares about me lots still.But,he doesn't learn.And in my heart of hearts I'll forgive him every time becuase,I hate dragging these things out longer than they need to be,and I know he can't help it-and,I physically can't give him a hard time about it when I should.But thats just the set-up I guess.
I recon we'll try and piece the friendship together while the days are passing by,but in all honesty I need to move on from him altogether,I know I need to.When i'm here,he's unfortunatly unavoidable,so I can't give myself a chance.I know if,in the second year if we're as close as we are now,it'll be even worse than the 1st year.And with the benifit of some forsight...I need to read my thoughts a few,few months ago.I just hope I can be strong enough to.And,I think I will this time.

I want to be something.Not this 'something' imbetween.

I'm worth a bit more than that. :)

I've got a nice evening planned of much Friends and Garden State watching,as both fill me with much comfort and inspiration.I may very well write a later entry about that,but really at the moment,thats what I wanna do.And to my joy my laptop plays music again,maybe it had a spell of thought silence.Sometimes a couple of days without music can be a little bit good.It can certainly help you appriciate it alot more.

Ah...we'll see what life throws me tomorrow =/ hehe.