It is hope.

Fianlly,some time to accumelate my thoughts.It's been such a busy couple of weeks,I've only really been reacting to silly things on the surface.And it's safe to say i've been rocking out all weekend,so some chill-out time with some Nick Drake and City and Colour will be most satisfactory.Saying that i'm actually listening to We Are Scientists,my brother keeps drumming it into me.It makes me think of him actually,and thinking of him always reminds me of happy,fun times so that can never be a bad thing.
It feels like such a lot has happened as of late,and in truth alot has.Brilliant things.Yet,not so great things too.But,I feel i've come out of it the same person,so I think thats a good thing.Reading was just fantastic.I was in constant marval in the live music,everything just felt as though it was going to be fine.I felt excited,but I didn't know quiet why.It was just,something spectacular.
And the people I went with were cool to,but I think if I go next year i'll go with some different friends.I don't mean that to sound mean,but I was either among girls in un-nessisery outfits peeing against cars ungracefully or among long lost friends,a bit of a spare part and a little bit jelous of what they had.
But it's stupid-she/they,were no threat.It just made me want to go home.But it soon wore off as Gaslight anthem came on,or greasy food arived I knew i'd regret later on.
It was one hell of an expereince.And I want to do it again instantly!

Maybe a little bit more on that later.But that expereince I was sure about.The whole music thing I could never doubt.It just made me question who I spend some of my time with.I hope,I'm not being rude or horrible.Becuase I don't mean it in that way,it's just sometimes things happen and I just wonder why they do.I look up at the sky sometimes,but then I think...it's me.It's my fault i'm in that situation or whatever,i'm whats made that happen.
I realise it boils down to the things I don't really say at times I probably should.Where others would freely speak there own minds and get more respect for it,yet I hold back in fear it'll all spiral into contraversy.I'm no good at holding up my end of the stick-if thats a phrase-if I make a point,and someone aggresively argues the other,i'll cave in possibly an instant or,not say anything at all and give a false sense of un-phasedness,which is soon removed.It makes me feel so pathetic,becuase I do have an interlectual mind up there it's just 80% of the time I come out with things half said/meant and half way through the sentance I try and take it back or,trail off.Although,I don't do that with everyone.Only certain people.But those people i've been with a fair bit as of late,and it really does make me feel a bit bleak.
I know they'd be so hurt if they knew,becuase i'm sure they'd never guess.Is it something I'm doing wrong,really?or is it something they're missing.I know it's impossibly to connect with everyone,but I do want to try.I suppose on the flip side of things it won't be long til i'm back at uni with my friends who I can be myself around.
I suppose this is just a stepping stone in life.A bit of reflection to the people you meet and greet,how they make you feel.It's just,generally,you want to be with people who encorage you to be yourself and who you really are-not hide it away in some,strange fear.

The thing is,I think that they don't care.But I know deep deep down they do.They just don't show it very much,or in a crazy way i'm not sure how to recieve!
"I never felt magic as crazy as this."

I hope this wise-self will shine through more oftern,as i'm rather enjoying not being so pecermistic as I were some days ago.I can't help it at times,I put myself in these cycles where I feel i'm in control when i'm not,basically feel i'm doing the right thing when i'm not...then realising,feeling i'm learning from it all-but,not.I hope I will come out the winner in all of this.Becuase,I try so hard with everyone and everything.Maybe when I go,they'll realise.It's a bad attitude to take,but with people like that I can imagine that being the way it'll be!
It's where I take my dads words to heart.just keep being myself.
I'm the way I am,becuase I think it's best.I think my greatest friends are yet for me to meet,or are friendships to be solidified.And if I keep my head held up high,keep smiling and doing my best something has to give in the end :)
Wow!I managed to make that sound a chore!

I'm just fed up,of making myself feel these negative things.When I can easily think a different way and suddenly it all clicks into place.
It is hope.
That is what makes it all better,everything ok.The real me steps forward,and,everythings...exciting again.

I am going to be more hopeful.

And am going to have some retail theropy tomorrow!