I'm not sure what happened today.I'm not sure if it's all a good thing,or a terrible thing that i'll be made to regret.I know I said I wouldn't mention him again,but it's impossible as he has well and truely taken me over today.And broke me down.wore me away.I've fallen into a state of pure saddness.
It is actually quiet unfamiliar,and when i compare it to the other times I thought i were sad,I realise how wrong I was.I can't stop crying,and i do believe I feel pain in my heart,it is as though theres this mess of all my problems and thoughts colliding together.
Breaking it down...he was an arse last night,an arse today.He was taking the mickey out of me all day,so when I decide to take the mikey out of him,be a bit playful,he takes it completely the wrong way.Becuase i didnt apologise immidietly,my reactions-quiet hysterical actually,has ended up putting our friendship on the line.And it fills me with dread and i have no idea why.Really,I know that this needs to be done.but he makes me feel like such a horrible person,makes me sound so bad i start to believe it,and feel like he'll make me better...I know,i'm absolutely mad.but i'm absolutely hurt,and,I've been an idiot and i've realised how harsh i can be.
Everything just exploded out of me.In broad daylight,at the trainstation surrounded by many,I collapsed into tears on the floor,I must have looked a right idiot.But it felt strangely amazing,all this bottled up saddness came flowing out of me into the sky-for a moment,this huge weight had been lifted off my sholders.But then Ben calling me names and making it all worse slammed it all back down again.All i needed was a nice hugg,a whisper of forgiveness-that we all make mistakes sometimes,and I would have felt mended.
But now,we're going to hang out less,he's met someone else so I won't ever be called again...this wasn't the way I wanted it to be.The last thing I actually said to him was "thank you for everything." Which is pathetic,but not as pathetic as the huge email i sent him in an apology,it's like my half sane self looks at me in disgust and says that i'm an idiot and letting him have all the power over me.And then the caring,tainted side of me just does it,becuase thats the side he knows best,maybe loves.
It is truely rediculous,but at least now i know the ball is in his court.I'm sure I won't have heard the last of it,and if he does speak to me it'll be 'i'm dissapointed in you,you're not a real friend,whereas i am,' and 'this is how you're meant to be' and 'I just dont understand you.it's all too late now.' All followed by social networking website status updates of criptic harshness.I've decided to ban myself for a while.
I shouldn't feel so empty,and yet I do.I shouldn't feel as though i'm weak and yet I know I am.I just want him apologise for making me so upset as of late and just,try and get back to how it all was.At least then I knew where i stood.I hate knowing he has this power over me.I really do hate him for it.
I hope he stands back and takes some of it with him,and realise the person he's losing as a result of his idiocy.I know him for who he really is,and I know i don't need him in my life,regardless of the fact i work with him and my friends know him,it all boils down to dads simple advise; "some people are bad.They are bad seeds,poisonous.you need to cut these people out of your life."
I just came off the phone from dad,and he knew instantly I was upset,and he knew why.He sighed with all his heart,I know i let him down every time I let him get the better of my emotions. "you deserved to be cared for Phoebe," it just made me tingle and yet,the tears just wont stop falling. It's so emotionally exhausting,I just don't want to be beaten by it all although i know I will have to before it all gets too much for me.Not to mention everyone else around me.
I really am sorry,for everything.For entering your life,for maybe building up your confidence and then knocking it down again.you know i never mean to hurt you,you know i'm a better person.I hope in time,you'll forgive me.
I really do need someone to save me from all this.I will be a better person so I will find them.I am worth someone wait,and it will be so much better than this =[ I've hit a huge low.
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