I write this entry,a little bit tipsy from a work-friends leaving drinkage in town.And,after long conversations about that particular leaving person,and lots of Ben talk too.Not from me though,hell no.I decided that talking of him in front of others,will pound him in my brain even more,and that isn't required in the slightest.
I knew that he would be there this evening,and I also expected his eyes to squint around the room after the end of every single sentance,to look for someone to fear or fancy.But because I'd expected it,it didn't really phase me.I just couldn't look him in the eye.
I felt I dressed well tonight,I felt really confident.And it wasn't for him either,it was for someone else I was hoping to meet.Maybe suddenly realising feelings for someone is just to hide my remaining feelings for ben,but I know if I can convince my heart that it wants someone new-and better,then it will start rolling in that direction.And that it is.It's a slow process,but it's actually happening.
I don't plan to find someone here anyway,I'd just like to have a bit of fun and excitement.I'm fed up of giving him the satisfaction of wrewining my home-coming,so,as a result I'm going to spend the rest of my holidays fruitfully with friends and family.
Steff is his name.And he's cropped up before in my history,and it ended ok,i think we did actually go out,but it were only for a week.But so much so he leant me his hoodie I wore naked in bed every night,and he kept an art project of mine,and we'd leave lots of kisses at the end of texts.It may have only been a week,but it gave me the butterflies every time I saw him.It was innocent and,it could have gone somewhere I think,if he's ex wasn't a wee bit mad.She's not a threat now anyway.
So,I hope to meet up with him a couple of times and just see what happens.
But really,my heart lies in huddersfield and,I want my next relationship to be there.I want that more than anything this second year,regardless of what Tracey tells me; 'enjoy the single life'.I've had my enjoyment,and I want something solid now.maybe I want to much.But,with all the rubbish i've been put through and put up with as of late,I think I deserve something good perhaps.But we shall see.
It may be the alcohol,but to be honest,knowing that he's met someone new makes me want to smile.I can't look at him without feeling a slight pang,but finally in my mind I can tell myself and believe that,he doesn't deserve me.He doesn't truely know or underdstand me.He's not really that good looking,and he's not kind,considerate,or even a true friend.He's just another face you see in your life on occasions.A face to rememeber for all the upset he's made you feel.I need to be strong for my family and friends,becuase they believe me to be and i wont let them down.
And i'm not going to iceland be the voice in how I should feel.no amount of insite to his grim past will make me feel any better,so I must chose to hear it.Or let it taint my veiws.
I know he still wants me...but he thinks i don't want him,so he's not trying.And thats ok.Becuase that is progress.
It wont be long to the whole ordeal will be over.What a joy.
So,lets smile about the days remaining.How i wont be shocked when i see a name under his details,and a status change.How friendship will concour all,and how I will come out the other side of this all,and he like all the others will realised what he's missed.
I do hope.
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