Clearly that future I were dreading...is here.
I've recently got used to waking up at exactly 6am every morning,with that sickening feeling of panic mixed with anxoity,when my eyes shut,all I think about are the worst possible things...the morning started well.But not as well as last night...
I really have learnt alot as of late.Not only the workings of that bastards unforgiving,dramatic and cold mind,but also the trust of my parentals.I gave in,I realised that he were giving me a chance to redeem myself,so I jumped at the chance.Why?goodness only knows.I guess at the time I hated the silence,the akwardness.At least talking every now and then,even if it was highly opinionated about something i don't know much about so i sound like na idiot,was better than cold stares.Which,now I am recieving.There is just no middle way.It's just so full on,an emotionally it's wearing me thin.
Anyway,an outing to the cinema.A lie to mum.A drink at the pub,a chat with an old friend,he looks an idiot.none of his friends out,cab home for me-home alone for him.And a horrible narsty phone call to say 'I don't want to be friends with you anymore-what am I getting from this?'.
it's amazing when put on the spot,you boil up with so many phrases,so many things to say to cut through anything he just said or was about to say,really seep in deep to his bones-I could really do it...but,you just go utterly blank.I go so,so cold.Adrenalin pumps through me so fast,I freeze up and decide not to even try.It has the opposite effect on me than it does to most other,normal people.But becuase i'm so shoddy with conflict,I take it as a good thing.
So...we're not friends,we're not talking.It's blank.It's horrible.And yet,this huge weight has been lifted and I feel I can breath again.He said,some unspeakable things to me,and painted a horrible selfish image of me...he couldn't have been more wrong.I admit I didn't realise his feelings-HIS feelings-anyone else,all would be fine...I DONT NEED IT!ahh don't need any of it.
But i just can't do the blanking thing.
I decided to write a letter,just saying how i felt about it all.And how,I would like to find the right words to make it all ok again,make him feel better-but they're actually not there.he is so set on not wanting to be friends,that nothing will do.nothing.So I said that although he made me feel so sad and angry,i wouldn't hold it against him.
I'm going to be the more adult one here.I'm not going to be childish,he is going to look the fool.
I hope he'll miss me.he says i'm nothing,yet why does he cling to me so?why does he need me to take out all his negativity on?how come he drains me of all my joy?I hope he realises what he's loosing.SO I CAN TELL HIM WHERE TO GO.
I'm not a bitter person,but i want this resolved.I don't want to be together,I don't want to touch,hold him,smell him,text him at all-but i do want to see him out,or at work and know we can talk about music and film,and general stuff.Is that too much to ask?
I'll drop off his things tomorrow and hope for the best.I've turned my phone off now,so hopefully...it'll go down well.
I'm always so scared.I have fear in my tummy the whole while.It's not right,it's not fair.And all the time I wonder,why?what is his purpose on this planet?Dad says that to him,his purpose is to try not to hate him.-that is extreamly strong coming from dad.And he couldn't be happier that we're not friends.
I know I should be pleased we're not talking in a way,becuase,it's for the best.Everyone thinks it,even Dan,one of his close friends.but I can't help but think of Reading for example,and outings with work,it'll just be so akward becuase he's there.but then again,it's only akward if you make it so.sigh.
I know i'll read this back and feel i'm contradicting myself the whole time.That i want to be friends,and yet i want him out of my life.The thing is,I tell myself every day,wherever i'm going-whenever he crops up in my mind that I am better off without him.That,we're not compatible,that he's not going anywhere in his life,that he's so bitter and angry,misunderstood.Wayyy to much of 'what you see is what you get',he never smiles,or laughs,he rarely makes me smile or laugh and he's dramatic,over the top and highly selfish...all these things you don't need.Above all,he wants to change you-and he's forever trying to figure me out,and that does NOT work.You can't 'work me out'.I'm a tricky one.And,he's not supportive of you,or what you want to do.He is negative.spiteful.childish...all the things you dislike.
and you're not good for him either.He'll feed on you,he'll want to know what you're doing,who you're with,maybe even be around you so he can argue with you-so he has someone there.All his friends are departing him...He has threatened this before,you've had bad fall outs before,and yet he's come back and its been 'back to normal' in time.Surely,it'll happen again becuase thats how he works.Always has to be the one on top,with all the power.
And i'm sorry,I can't be used for that anymore.
this year,i wanted to make a lot of changes to my life.I wanted to change the way I thought,felt,perhaps looked,I wanted a fresh start and couldn't wait to see and do all these new things.The thing is,I didn't do alot of that.Becuase of him.I'm not blamming him,becuase i let him.I thought it was a good idea.But now I know,it is my single regret.Letting him in,and spoil SO many times I had in my first year...making me do so many things.
I HAVE NEVER FELT TO LOW,UPSET,FRUSTRATED,ANGRY OR AS AN AWFUL A PERSON AS I HAVE WHEN BEING WITH OR AROUND HIM.and yet,I feel sorry for him.
I hope this goes down the way i want it to...
this really is so rediculous,I can't believe how long he's taking to get out my system I really can't believe it.How could I let someone as horrible as him into my life to such a way I feel panic every morning?that I can't sleep properly and I fear I can't eat,that my friends and family hate him and yet I cannot.I feel like such a fool.I've even thought 'ah well,if it all gets to much,you can always kill yourself.'<< what the fuck??I never ever think like that.Is this depression??is he leading me to feel so worthless,that I want to end it all right away?this is so messed up-and it's my fault for letting it get this way--if he knew,if only he knew.
But he never will.I'll proceed to be 'mystic' to annoy him,i wont tell him how i feel,becuase i know he'll want to know.But I won't.EVER.If we ever become friends again,which i do hope we will on a minimal level becuase i dont' want to know anyone wants to avoid me,it'll never,ever be the same again.
Good ridence.
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