"Pleased to meet you."

Today,A book asked me to send it a secret.
I've been wondering all day what kind of things I would reveal...there are just,too many.and that worries me.yesterday,I kinda thought i was in a state of happiness.But maybe it was infused with confusion,I mean today I feel much different.Of course my morning was wrewined by thinking about him [as you can see,I've decided not to name him anymore.]Maybe thats harsh,because we still admit to each other we're best friends,but for me it's just impossible.And he also makes it impossible for me to get anything right,whatever time or day,a word out of place,a phrase out of line and just not doing something when most people would...I constantly feel on edge the whole time.I should have done what dad suggested a long time ago,and it doesnt look like i'm going to be doing it for a long while as I'm here.It's so wrong,but it's inescapable.I really want to be friends,and I really want don't want to lose him,becuase for some reason I feel he betters me as a person.but then reading back at my past self,the things I do with time now,the money I spend-all the wrong-ness has been some way encoraged by him,knowingly or unknowingly,he has changed me.I know I write about it in practically every entry,but I cannot deny whats on my mind.I can't believe that this summer it'll be over a year I've known him.For some reason it feels less than that.Maybe it's becuase the same,stupid things keep happening that usually fresh couples/friends make and get over to eventually get stronger.
I have realised I am more secretive and a better liar than I once used to be,and I'm filled with shame.I should be as open as he is with me,becuase he certainly deserves a few home truths every now and then-becuase i'm fed up of hearing my own now-which,are absolute bullshit,but lets move on from my problems-I'm trying to work on them.
I've still so much to do,and time is running out rappidly.I've got so many social things-which I am extreamly lucky to have,mingled with familyness,art,work and most importantly-sleep!I just feel the days go too fast.I'm trying to priorotise my life,but I always feel absurd.Just stick to what you can do Phoebe,the rest will all come in good time.
Everything seems to be evolving for those around me,marriges,births,movement,jobs...and yet I still feel i'm in the same place.I know thats actually untrue,this year i've been all over the shot,met new people,done new things,but inside I still feel like i'm unable to let go of something...I dont think it's love,or someone in particular,i think it's the past.Which sounds so rediculous,but,so much has changed at yet so little.My close friends are still the same,but the people I didnt know so well I hardly know at all now,and it kinda shocks me.
Some friends I once considered to be close,have erased me from thier new lives,and I guess I can understand that.It's just not a nice feeling knowing i'm assosiated with a past of a person they want to forget,but,I'm not the only one.It's only on a stupid website but anyway,it's the principle.But there we are,she was always quiet changeable,it was to expected.

I'm looking forward to my holidays this year,it'll be nice to get away.It's nice,me and my brother are quiet a bit closer now,so I think it'll be more fun than the past years-eventhough they were great.

And i'm looking forward to going back to huddersfield too.Already.I'm looking forward to having an excuse to move on,eventhough I know I'll miss him.Now,I just want to enjoy the time I have here,while I can.I want things to be different next year,so now I have to enjoy things as they are before things change.All for the good :)