Maybe it's just about time and space.And,wanting to.Actually,wanting to.
Sometimes,I take on a selfish persona,and feel that i'm invincible.In front of others,I feel sometimes I can portray it rather well,but as soon as my cover is blown it takes me ages to re-build.I think i'm in the middle of this re-building stage,possibly the most fragile.I want to forget,and I want to move on.I don't mean that in such a harsh a way,becuase I never forget memories that have somehow helped me change into the person I am today,which seems to be everything!But the bad,the irritation and the hurt are all the things I want to let go of.And when I feel I'm just so close to letting go of my grip,I knock it all down again by doing something stupid.Giving into my heart.I just can't help but slip into the 'only live once-live for the moment' way of thinking,in case the world blew up right there and then I would be pleased to say I would be so very happy.I have no idea if he'd feel the same,maybe he would.But I won't ever know,becuase we never talk about it.Which is why I can't regard him so close to me anymore,becuase I just can't let him in.It's almost like his punishment for upsetting me so much along the way,even if he does apologise and realise his errors,he just doesn't mean them enough to keep making them again.It just can't keep afloat on the moments we spend intinatly,it's not the way I like to communicate.And the majoroty of the time we're just hanging out,he barely looks at me,or takes any interest in me,how I'm feeling what i'm thinking about.Family matters,artyness.I know,and keep saying all his flaws and reasoning for why we're not compatible,and I believe i've been going on about that for nearly a year.How he's made me and broke me in the same day,same sentance perhaps.
It's going to hurt me when he finds someone else.And,it's come to my realisation that he'll be hurt if I do to.And,i'm not going to lie to myself here-I want to find that person.I want to find them so much.
I suppose though,there's a glimmer of hope that makes itself known through all this stupidity.That I,am better and stronger than all of this.I am worth somebodys wait,and I should be worth alot more to him.Maybe I do-but I don't feel it.He doesn't tell me what I want to hear,he doesn't make me smile,or laugh.I laugh at my own jokes,at what I say to fill the silence...And as much as it's frustrating...it's sad.I feel sorry for him.And I think that may be the worst of all,and if he knew that-goodness knows what he'd say.
I look at him sometimes and think to myself,he's so grown up,his limbs are manly limbs and he talks about such interlectual things and wants to do things all the time and go to all these places-I taint my eyes with what I want to see.When really,he's limbs are covered in teenage clothing of someone who doesn't have a clue who they are-which makes them easy to offend and difficult to buy for (hasn't he made that clear enough already?) it also suggests he is materialistic,which you are not,and he talks of things he knows you don't know of to appear interlectual when really he doesn't know the first thing about curtiocy,politeness or wit.-Which proves he will annoy you,point out where you go wrong and where your flaws lie,making him cold,harsh and inpassionate.He wants to go places to spend money and keep himself ammused,which shows he won't be interested in you as entertainment,whatever jokes you have to tell or ideas in your mind.Everything is dramatic,over the top,and compincating for the hollow,troubled indervidual he truely is.
Let.Him.Go.
You've had your day,and you've had your fill.Don't look weak anymore,becuase you know inside that you are more than this and,he needs to be more for you.
This is hopefully going to be the last I write of him.Unless in a friendly,untroubled way.But,I doubt that'll be for a while.It's just all too heavy for me,when i should be enjoying myself.I can't let him wrewin this,or me,or anything at all.He's done enough,he's made enough enrodes into my life,I need to step back and away from this one,and let him do his thing.
I'm going to let him miss me,and feel like the fool.
I think it's his turn now :)
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