Disjointed.

Today,I was a nobody.
It was such a beautifil day out today,the sun was beating down on the trees that blew in the wind,and people were outstretched on the grass...it's my last day today.And I just wanted to spend it on my own.I made an effort to look nice stil,took plenty of time packing things up,in silence really.I don't know whats going on in my mind.
Maybe going home will help me figure that one out.My family always remind me of the 'me' I once was and still am inside.But these situations around me affect me.Sometimes I pretend they don't,but actually,they eat away at me.

I wonder if there is somebody like me.I don't feel like i've interacted with anybody quiet like me before.And maybe thats not a bad thing,but I wish there was someone to give me some hope.I realise that here,there is so much I keep to myself,although I express myself,the truthful things about me I do not share.I feel sad as,i'm always surrounded by activity,but when I need someone the most everybody seems to flake away.Or get the wrong impressions.Am I that hard to read?
Maybe i'm trying to hard,concentrating on things that dont need to be thought about.But i've been screwing myself up.My mind is so fast,eventhough I can't rememeber the name of an actor for the life of me,what I actually did yesterday or my house number...but my brain is analysing everything all the while,in my dreams,before I sleep...when I wake up.
I am me.And I am comfortable with who I am.And i'm not going to do whats bad for me anymore,as I realise how much it stops me from being myself.How,I feel i'm grown up and feel that it'll make me happy,fitting in,doing the 'norm'.But i'm not the normal girl,i'm not the one who wants to get everything out her system.I'm not someone who wants to act her age.I feel i'm more than that,I feel like i've already done all of that,without actually doing it.

I find myself always scared about something.As much as I have things to look forward to,I always seem to have something brewing inside me of worry and bitterness,expecting the worst the whole time.I expect the worst from myself and those close to me to.
There are some people I just need to cut out of my life completely.Becuase I know,that one day i'll be caught off guard,and I'll see him with someone new,and it'll just kill me.And,i've never wanted him to have that power over me.I just need to be strong.Becuase then perhaps i'll meet that someone new.I thought when i'd be home,i'd be busy working.But,I fear it is unlikely now,which makes me upset and physically sick as I were relying on it far to much.And now I've come to realise,you can never rely on anything or anyone.
I'll try and sell my art,but I doubt i'll get anyting for it.I know for sure I wont get what I deserve,but then thats better than nothing at all.Maybe i should stop being so pecermistic,but,everything else seems so disheartening I can't help but assume that this will be to.
I really want someone.Who's like me.Who will love me.Who I can settle down with,just get so comfortable,so intwined.We won't let anything get in our way.I have so much to give,I have so so much.But nobody is interested right now.
It makes me fear that maybe nobody ever will be.