It has become recently clear to me,that what I want out of life,isn't going to happen of its own accord.I'm going to have to work very hard,and I can't continue in this same pattern of;oh,I can't find love-am I ugly?I have to take it out on myself...when I havn't even tried to look for anything.Sometimes,I don't think i'm ready for the things I talk about.I come up with ambitous things to make me feel special and motivated,giving myself a goal is like looking forward to something,which keeps my mind occupied.When really,it grates and grinds,things go...wrong.The old me is coming back through.And i can honestly say,with my old old eyes that I am quiet disgusted about the things I wrote in the past.I find it almost humiliating.But there we go,these phases,help me come out the other side clued up,and ready for change.
I'm coming to the end of my first year of uni.And it's safe to say,theres a lot to reflect upon.Not all bad,i mean I've had some amazing times and fond memories.I feel like so much has happened.I've learned such a lot.
There would be things I would change if I could.
Things still don't feel fixed.I feel as though i'm still hanging on a line.But then,I put myself out there.I go against everybodys advise and then feel silly when everything they warned me of,happens.It's so stupid.
Why,why do I keep at this?I don't even want to cross over old ground-I've done it before,and no good comes from it.If you're not compatable,you're not compatable.End of.It just hurts so much.My heart aches for some attention,you know?I really miss having someone to work for,make things for...I just feel i'm disjointedly apart of many peoples lives,just not...all of it.
I feel that,the man i'm after,isn't going to come round for quiet a while.
I don't really know what I want in a man.I do,the list could go on for pages,but really,I know I'll know when I see it and feel it running right through my body.I think i've experienced it before,the feeling you never want to go away-your body feels so open,so refreshing and buzzing,tingling.I havent felt that way in so long.So long in fact,I fear I pretend I feel it.In rough activities in rough,run down places,so secretive,feeling so synthetic.
I know he's going to find someone new.I need to be prepared for that.I want him to.Becuase then,I'll feel like I can meet someone new.
I think thats the thing.The only way I can make our situation bareable,is that I come away feeling we're still together.My emotions won't weaken,as in my mind I feel it's even and not wrong of me.It's the only way I can let myself enjoy it,and not regret it.Maybe thats why Love isn't on my horizon right now,becuase I wont let it.the amount of friend requests on facebook,myspace,the numbers,the interactions I ignore FOR him,as I know he'll be cold,harsh and mean if he found out-which,he has no right too...but i know the day he finds a new girl...he won't hold back from telling me.So why,do I from him?
I really do need to let go.But every time ive got my mind set,something is planned-an activity,something to do tomorrow.Music bonds us together.I find myself giddy and excited,butterflies leap from my tummy...Leeds in a couple of weeks theres a festival,and he's coming up for the weekend.Nobody knows but me.the flat would freak if they knew,but i want him to come.
I know it'll only refresh my feelings for him.
I want to talk about it.
So I can well and truely move on.Becuase I want somebody,more than anything.
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