So, this is the beginning of the new me. Where else better to begin than a brand new day? Well I say brand new...it’s the afternoon now, and I don’t feel particularly enthused to change my flaws and hit my problems head on. I know the things I want to change though. I’m so fed up of feeling almost threatened by those around me, with their super situations, charm and good looks. I never used to feel like that, and I fear my latest relationship, (fin,) was the greatest influence on me. I used to not care, I used to feel good all the time, wore what I wore with confidence. Felt I conveyed personality and were happy with all my friends and where I went. My family situation. Everything. I mean, I had my doubts about various things now and again, but I am a human being after all and not every day you can wake up feeling jolly.
This will be the last entry I write about him. Because I feel the more I wrote about him the more and more I become almost obsessed with him and wanting to please him, show off, pretend even to myself that I’m over him. What I’m really doing is drawing to my own attention what he’s done to me and making me even more determined to make everything okay again. I just don’t think he’s any good for me. Even as a friend he generally sucks and he’s too set in his ways. We only seem connect in one way and recently that’s caused a real jar in my system I don’t think it’s a good idea to rely on it anymore. It’s cheap, and I came away feeling dirty and used. Like I only had one purpose, and as much as I enjoy the thrill in those lustrous moments, the feeling soon wears off in his rude, cold manner and I know I need someone who can please me in more ways than way. Indeed, I’ve always known that. And I’m not going too settled for anyone less than I deserve. I need a man now, someone creative who will truly appreciate me.
Maybe with the whole Ben situation I over reacted, I know I tend to blame all my problems on him and how he was, but I did love him and was sad that the relationship needed. I guess I haven’t lost him altogether, because I don’t want to lose anyone I’ve become so close to. But I know it’s better for me, because even as friends he knows just how to hurt me.
He opened my eyes to a more adult relationship, a combination of his upbringing and age I feel. And past experience with relationships, but at the same time I think it was the hunger for power. I doubt he realised he were doing it. But I wore me away, changed my image, health, I worried constantly. I realised I was never myself around him. And knowing we’re friends again, I feel this huge weight has listed and I truly can be me again, because I don’t care how he’ll see me.
Actually, that’s a total lie. I want him to be forever kicking himself to how he acted around me and to me and realise that he actually loves me and wants me always.
I want the final power over him to say no. That I’m not settling for less this time.
But...I give in to my temptations. He really was amazing, it’s like he unveils my passions. Accepts my body, what I can do, and embraces it. Even though it’s for one night, I pretend that things haven’t changed and that he was still excited to see me and get under my skin. Know what made me tick, what I wanted out of life, dreams and ambitions. It turns out he was never really into those factors, he wasn’t really deep enough to even consider them. I suppose even then the calling cards were saying he wasn’t the one to maybe get involved with, but I ignored it. I followed my lust and desires.
I suppose we met that way. We didn’t really follow the stepping stones one usually does in a relationship, we skipped allot of things that maybe we shouldn’t have. But then, threes no point looking back on that now, I don’t regret it, I learnt a great deal and gained a lot of confidence in myself and then lost it all at the very same time. Everyone seemed to come along and wants to know me, get under my skin, be mine but I turned them away in the hope that I and he would be okay. I feel that I shouldn’t have done, I should always keep expectations low
Ah bands...music, always cheers me up and puts me in a good mood.
I’m on my way home now for Easter. I’ve got so much to do, much to catch up on but I’m looking forward to not having uni and getting away from everyone for a while. I wonder what will happen... I feel like it’s about time for some good change.
I wonder if I’ll meet anyone. Or come to any decisions. I know I’ll be seeing a bit of Ben, I’ll be working allotting so I’ll have no choice. But at the moment we’re on reasonable terms and hopefully, it’ll stay that way. I suppose in my gut I still want him to feel those butterflies and want me when he lays eyes on me. But I think he’s moving on now, just looks down on me, gets drunk regularly with his friends and forgets all about me.
But then, at least if I know he doesn’t want me anymore I’ll finally be able to let go.
Oh, I want to be successful. I really want to do well in life, I’m fed up of scraping at the bottom on my draw for monies to get me by, basically in debt already, I hope it’ll all be worth it. Actually, it’s worth it already I’ve learnt such a lot. I’ve moved on such a lot too. I can’t believe it in a way. But I want to prove everybody one and make my parents proud. That I will get there, and be successful.
I suppose it’s just starting again. I don’t need another half to make me whole, I’ve always told myself that. Sometimes I wonder whether i’ve ever been in love. Maybe I was with Luke, but it was all so fresh and new maybe that was what i was feeling.We were together so long too, and time has an effect on how long you last as a couple. But, I don’t honestly feel I’ve felt that true pang of love and splender, and almost deffonatly not recipicated in the same situation. I’m always not enough or too much. I know i’m just perfect for someone-not wanting to sound big-headed because everyone on thie earth will fit well with someone. But, I know I am. Or could be. Maybe he;s not ready to find me yet.
I just cant help but dream up this places, these moments. Put on the spill canvas and stay up talking all night and making such passionate love. We’d laugh at the same jokes and he would be just like me. Be happy, positive and outgoing. We’d be each others everything.
I’m going to try and make an effort every single day, to look and feel confident and prepared for anything life throws at me. That is what I shall do.
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