okay.
So it's the worst case senario,but it would be calmers punishment...this really is whats going to force me to move on from him,I cannot have scares like this again,my god my insides have turned to mush and I can't think about anything else.
He's made me do so many new things,but although an accident,I don't ever want it again with him becuase if it is the worst I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO TO MYSELF.It would wrewin my life,I would be distroyed.And i would have to cope with it all by myself,and eventhough i'm strong,there is no way i'd be strong enough to cope with that.And i know that later he'll turn around and be all sarcastic,harsh and cold-when he has ABSOLUTLEY no idea what hes talking about,and i'll be the one saying the sorrys and making it all up,becuause if I spill a bean,that will be it. "It's you're stupid fault."
He's a man.therefore he can walk away.

I can't tell anyone my fears,becuase people will frown apon me.At least when I had this before with luke I knew he'd be there for me,through it all.If there was anything to go through.I shouldn't put the pressure on myself,but i am SO afraid right now,I'm going to be shaking.
And inside my eyes are just filling up to the brims.
The work is pilling up,but my creative ideas are stumped becuase it's all clouded by fear.
And it's all i'm surrounded by.
I'm going to the clinic in about an hour,to get this off my mind.Although i'm so afriad it'll be a yes...and then what the hell will I do?I will be in pieces.
You know...as much as it's what i want in the future,right now...I would probably kill myself.I know depression would just seap in,and i wouldn't be able to tell a soul,for they would regard me as stupid and unresponsible.
I need a hugg.
I need this over with.

And how dare he be a complete dick.
When I see him saturday and he trys anything on,i've got to be strong.Becuase as much as I want him-this-what hes doing right now is NOT good for me.We're not compatible.And we DONNOT WORK.and Ive got to stop kidding myself.
The only way I'm going to get through this is without him.I need to move on from him,and I cant let him have the power over me-to potentially wrewin my work,my future,my nerves! I AM ON A KNIFE-EDGE.And i'm an knife-edge on my own.

unless,I was careful and I rememebered.It'll come back a no,and then i'll be able to get on with my work.Up all night tonight.this week is going to wear me right down.But i'll be able to do it,if I work hard enough.

.
aqnd to think last night he was trying to tell me how to do my work.maybe beginning with good helpful intentions,I couldn't believe he was trying to get the upperhand over me,trying to tell me to do WHAT I DO BEST.I worked my fingers to the bone to get to where I am right now.I got A's in pretty much all my projects.I have creative ideas that nobody else share.I'm doing what I am PASSIONATE ABOUT.And if he tries to stick his beak in and tell me what needs to be done he is GOING TO LOOK LIKE A FOOL.Becuase he has no idea.
He is the nobody in this situation.And he winds me UP SO MUCH,and I really am so close to NOT CARING what I do or say to him becuase it's a given i'm going to offend him.ITS SO FUCKIG EASY.He's in the nobody working in a stupid job,for all of 7 years and for another 7 years i'm sure.He is the one who has got NOWHERE with his degree which was a waste of time.HOW DARE HE tell me what to do.
I'M ACTUALLY GOOD AT THIS.I'M NOT GOOD AT ALOT OF THINGS IN LIFE,I'M DUMB AND STUPID0SCIENCE,HISTORY,GENERAL KNOWLEDGE,I SUCK.BUT THATS GENERALLY BECUASE I DONT ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THOSE THINGS,BUT THIS,WHAT I'M DOING NOW,I'M SO DEDICATED TO AND PASSIONATE ABOUT.SO I HATE IT,when i'm told what i'm doing is wrong.Or i should go to the rulebook,becuase he apparently knows all about it.
This may be the first time in your life,buddy,but you're wrong.You haven't a single clue how its done.
And this is coming from the boy who says he HATEs art and DOESNT UNDERSTAND it.

SO FUCK OFF.

get out of my life.And find a stupid,immature girlfriend for you to mould and eventually squeeze all interest and creativity out of.Because it's about time I dated one of my kind.
AND THAT ISNT YOU.AND IT WILL NEVER EVER BE YOU BEN.
never,ever again.

I hope he feels so shit for what he's put me through.What an absolute dick.

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