Okay.
Oh dear.
I lied a little bit when I said that 'finding someone new' is not on my agenda...
The sooner I move on and try and settle down with somebody new,the less and less i'll care about him and all his...ways.I don't want to know about the girls who are all over him-who I see pretty much everyday,maybe he's efforts of making me jelous are actually working.Which makes me feel a bit sick actually,I don't want to be the one who clings onto him and hangs onto his every word.
Well,the 'not talking about him anymore,' has worked extreamly well!I think not =[ but seeing my friends has been wonderful.They take me back to the days where I were once care-free and could shrugg things off and rise above it all,knowing i'm better and deserve better too.And,those days I did.Maybe I deserve this all right now.
But saying that,we've managed to meet up and not be intermate.We could actually be friends,we ambled around town and talked about all sorts of things,went to the pub and watched a football game,it was weird how much it was like it was before.There was a bit of charming and flirting involved,but it feels strange without it,and I think we're both comfortable with it.I know he wants to take it further sometimes,and I know i do too,but this staying friends merlarky is what we need.This is good,becuase friends with benifit situation doesn't work for me.I give in to my deseires at the time,but feel the effects for a long time afterwards.
this is how stress effects me.Afterwards,long drawn out and more painful,he's made me turn so much more serious these days.I find myself bogged down,thinking about so many things I don't want to think about.
I never used to be like this.
Friends is good.
This is the last stage of the 'moving on'ness.I don't even need to,I know he's no good for me! I KNOW IT!
and now he goes off and rubbs in my face how he's going out clubbing with loads of girls,loads who fancy him,he'll forget about me...OH GET OVER IT.
Yeah.
well,i need to pick up my pieces now.I don't need to feel sorry for myself anymore now,i'm worth more than all this!
I'm not actually like this! I just fall into this hole of self-pity and loathing and yap on about him all the time,and it's terrible!I can do it! I'm stronger than this! I need to be.
But moreso,
I want to be.
Keeo you're eyes on the prize.
You know what you're more,you just need to be patient.Wanting someone means you're more likely to be aware of people around you,be jeloud,envious,all these evil little thoughts!you're not that person at all,and you musn't let yourself become it,as it'll detire the kind of gentleman you're after.Maybe he's just not ready for you just yet,and maybe you're just telling yourself that you need someone else becuase in some warped kinda way you're annoyed at ben for being nice to you all of sudden.For fighting his temptation,and,for once,being an adult about this.It's a bad little hole to get into,it'll give you a bad name,bad feeling,and impression.Concentrate on people up north,or no-one at all,becuase you're more likely to enjoy yourself,live your life to the fullest,like you've always lived.It's time to be creative and move on from him altogether!
^^ take you're own piece of advice mister.
I'm so annoyed at myself.
XD
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