I really just,had an episode right then.I just had a fit of aggression,swearing,completely mad panic,then...disolved into a crumbling state of tears...what is happening to me?
I've never felt this way before,i've never wanted to escape so much before in my life and be different,be someone new.I'm so close to hating myself,I just want out completely.
And I don't know whats causing it,I just,feel so utterly stressed out.More stressed out here than I ever were at uni,I'm really concerned my health isn't what it should be,though I have doctors tomorrow so hopefully I'll get things sorted.
I just feel so sad,I really do.I'm sure it's hormones,and my body trying to keep up with me,backwards and forwards...I just need to get my head straight.And I don't know where to begin.I hate the fact that I am my own problem,I never make it easy for myself.At least,I know I can talk to dad about all my problems,at least i'm not keeping everything to myself,becuase I really would be in pieces.
Step back Phoebe,step back now.I know i'm giving myself to much to deal with,I over exagerate and never give myself a break.I need a break,I need to enjoy myself and give myself some space.I need to go to the sea.The urge is just overwelming right now.
I know what i'm doing to myself,I just can't stop myself from doing it...i'm testing my will power with food,my emotions with Ben-knowing he's so bad for me,I lie and,maybe do it just to see if I can get away with it...it's like,i'm turning into someone completely different on the inside.I'm the same on the outside,just,inside I'm screaming.
I'll feel better after tomorrow,i feel alots planned tomorrow.Meeting my cousin and her baby Isabelle,who,I can't wait to meet.Although I'm sure i'll come away feeling most amorous and broody,but it'll be lovely to see them all as I do so love my cousin.Then I have doctors,which,I will tell them EVERYTHING,and hopefully they'll be able to check me out and perscribe me stuff to help clear it all up so my conscious can be clear.Then,i'm off to see Ben,[I know,i musn't.] to watch a football game.It's as friends,but i think it's a meeting of making me feel even worse about what a fool I was lying to him about something so small and rediculous.He won't fail,either.the whole of today i've been on the brim of absolute tears becuase of his ways.I really do need to cut him out of my life-I cannot be friends with everyone I've got to keep telling myself.It's not like I challenge myself to be,I just,I don't know.Becuase so many people don't like him,i'm determined to work him out and try and make him a more approachable being.Help him to prove himself.I know he's got it in him,but it's backfired now and we're just in to deep and I need to back off.I havn't even given him the chance to miss me really,miss what a good friend i've been to him-not being big headed,I hope.But,Ive done so much for him he has no idea.And I put up with so much too,which,he doesn't know either.But,he really has proved to be more than just a guy I were with once.He is a hell of a lot more than that.
I don't hate him for it though.And I know i've hurt him again.Which is a horrible,horrible feeling.And he's threatened he won't speak to me again,wonders what the point is.Dad says it's a very good thing.But,I still want him to be my friend.I don't want to be on bad terms with him,we have so much in common and we can work.I just need to be on form all the time,I can never slip up.Which makes it so exhausting.
the sooner we can patch things up,I get well,the more i'll be ready for this summer,this year.Who knows whats around the corner.And I need to bring the possitive me back around,ive felt like this once before and have come out the other side I can do it myself and I can do it myself.
I am strong enough.
I am going to change,but not all of me.I'm just going to improve certain pieces here and there.I want to be more creative,as creative as i've always wished!and do things impulsively and go to parties and meet new people,get closer to people I wasn't sure of at first.
I am going to play my music loud.
And I am going to smile and mean it.And feel it.
I'm fed up of all these sad,lonely entried that plough around the same things over and over.
THIS ISNT ME.
so,
:)
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