I don't know.I always complain about what I seem to get myself into,but i'm just following my heart.doing what I think is right.It will probably not work like most of the things I try,but I know that for some reason I want to keep persuing this,becuase i want to try.
Thats what I've got to keep doing.
And hoping for the best.
_____________________________
I just want to cry.
You know when you just look at yourself in the mirror and think..."what a disgrace?". I just look at myself and want to revolt.I find the majority of the time disgusted,swearing at myself and thinking that i'm ugly,and wonder who...would care.I know it's so terribly wrong,and i'm sure its just an emotional phase-more probably a hormonal episode.But all the same,I feel like a shit person and I'm winding myself up to such an extent,its just making me think...wonder.
Everythings gone rubbish again.So quickly,I just hate this.I just want to go home.I just want to feel safe and secure,but I don't.And I just want that safetly and reliability,which i'm lacking very much.
It isnt until you've lost that closeness you know you just want it.
I'm in three minds right now.I just keep wondering,keep reflecting...keep feeling aweful and ashamed of myself.I look like na idiot.I've given him so much power over me.And its a situation i've never really been in before.I guess that doesnt mean its going to be bad,but i'm not sure it makes me feel comfortable.Plus i'm in the red as it is,and paying more money just to spend time with him...seems rediculous when a couple o weeks ago I wanted to get away from it all.get away from him.
I dont know,that familiar feeling is creeping back into my system,there are just so many lovely guys out there who I'd love to get to know better.I'd just love to obtain.But I still fly around the same olde flowers,I just want someone new.Someone who can take me away.open up my eyes.
he has to be out there.
maybe not as far as i think.
it cant be ben,I dont believe it could be him,after all we've been through,surely not.All the arguments...I cant still be in love with him surely.Was it even love in the first place I even wonder?I don't know.But it isn't the sweet kind of love.It's the serious kind.Although serious love does have its quirks,such as wonderful passionate moments.But thats not enough to keep everything together,it just isn't.
But sometimes,with Ben,I just want anything.Anyting,even a little glimmer,a little spark to give us a bit of hope that we can work things out together.
It's so wrong.
We've tried to many times...
well,best go to sleep now.Dream sweet dreams and hope that the morning will be a way off yet.
Need some money.
Need to do some work.
Need a Job.
Need some love.
Need to change.
Need to organise my life.
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