urrrrghhhh...

Im not going to lie,i’m in an “I hate...” mood today.
Becuase this is just hacking me off.Everything in my stupid vicinity. It’s just grinding against me and I just hate it,nothing is working, all i’ve been doing with myself for the past few days is work,cutting my strings from my social life to make vast enrodes and it has don’t NOTHING to the huge stack still staring at me. In my stupid face. I don’t want this anymore,i’m just fed up with myself, I just want to jump out of my skin and become someone new. And then point and laugh at myself.
I think its him,still creeping and crawling under my skin and trying to make me skwirm. And I hate him for it. I hate him for making me still love him. And I know he must get some sick pleasure from it,because he knows that he has the power over I think and feel. I wish i could just break away from him. We shouldn’t have planned everything we had planned, because HE’S JUST NOT GOOD FOR ME.He drags me down, and effect the way I act around other people. Desiberation is not attractive in anyway, and maybe he knows it.
Just feel so low. I think i’ve it this wall of depression that makes its way into my life now and then. When i’ve been working or, been dwelling on things. I shouldn’t be hangin g on his every word, I shouldn’t even care. And i’m not going to. I’m not his privilidge anymore, to contact me reguarlly and such so why should I do the same? Not even friends contact each other every single day.
What are we?
Thats what i really want to know. I hate being at this imbtween stage that i found so arousing before- and goodness only knows why i did. I need to move on from him completely, show him im strong and can cope without him. I need someone else, I need someone to fill the gap where he once used to be. But nobody wants me.
I really want to settle down with a lovely guy. Whos just what i want. Who gives me that buzz, who I will mean everything to. I just, want some hope. Someone to text, someone who just make me so happy, even if we’re not in a relationship, just someone who will cheer me up.And someone who will always rely on me to cheer them up and bring them happiness too. I don’t want to be ordered about, or told how to be. I want to have a moment like they have in the movies,be taken by the hand, make me laugh until my sides hurt... maybe he is real, and he’s out there for me to find. But I hope that he’ll find me. I want him so much right now,  I feel like I don’t have any soul, i’m just emptiness. ..