my insides ache and my eyes feel sore and hollow.
I think it's safe to say that now is possibly the best time to pull myself together,and get things organised.I'm fed up of clutching at straws and asking others for help and support.I'm strong enough to this myself.I know I am.
Being home again is such a lovely feeling,I can almost forget about uni and all my wee little troubles and enjoy the pleasures I once used to.It's like my independance is in the hands of my parentals which I rather enjoy.It makes me feel safe.
It's not that I want to forget all about uni; I love it.And miss it after a time,but being in such familiar surroundings makes me feel as though i've never even been.
The very first thing I did when I got back was see Ben.At the station,dressed up and sexily as possible,looking as awake as possible after a near 5 and a half hour journey,rucksack on,hair extentions in-lets face it,I looked rediculous.But he was the first face I set my eyes apon.And I felt like I were home.
In his little punky hat-didnt make me feel such an idiot in my attire,and his pink and grey stripy top,he gave me a kiss,like everything was how it was.We walked around colchester,he told me about his holiday to Prague,the boooze,the prositutes-how tasteful,but somehow I felt charmed by him and his anicdotes that didnt really have any humorous ending.We went to the playhouse and he bought me some drinks,we talked more about family things,close things we would share as though still together.Compliments were shared,ideas were too,things were nice.I felt bad walking around the town without anybody knowing,I felt like i were doing wrong giving into lust and desires,but when we checked into the hotel and the door was closed it all seemed to desolve.
Nobody could be better than him.i'm just so sure of it.It was such an amazing experience.And i'm not sure what was different about it,but it felt more passionate.We both wanted each other so much and knew it was probably a bad idea.But it felt so right at the time.And I dont regret it.
We stayed up late got some sweets and snacks and watched deep and meaningful films.I feel so comfortable with him at moments like that,where we can watch some crazy movie and he wont talk all over the important bits,or fidget,or try and be overly-affectionate.Its just...what it is.I'd find myself looking at the clock and seeing how much time we'd have left together.
He was supprisingly sweet.But we didnt talk about us,or deep things.We didnt argue either,maybe the two things come hand in hand.
I didnt honestly think i would be happy with the situation we'd appeared to have set up.I feel like i'm going behind the backs of my friends who,quiet rightly,think he's bad for me.But I actually,like it alot.Maybe i never did love him,but felt so attracted to him,it didnt matter that we argued becuase making up was just so amazing.I feel so dirty for admitting that,but I think he feels the same.
I thought that if I saw him and we'd do what we planned,I'd realise that he was the one i wanted,even if he was a grumpy idiot.I was afraid to fall for him again.It would mess everything up.But I didn't.My heart didnt really lurch at the sight of him,I just felt safe.And maybe this can work,as long as we're both happy with that until things change in there own time.
I'm not sure what I want to change.But I know I want some.Of the good variety.
I realise that changing myself will cost money.and that,I have none of and won't for some time so maybe thats too selfish of me.
I realise I havnt been as hard working as I could be,so I need to focus on my work alot more.Otherwise,it'll all be wasted.
I find myself looking around and people hand in hand.Couple who smile at each other-I earwig,listen to what they're talking about,and wish it were me.Just ordinary conversation,is so sweet and tender.I dont know whether to give guys a break for the time being (or,become a lesbian XD haha) or try and find someone.Or just wait for them to come and find me.
It's just,there doesn't seem to be anybody new on my horizon.I suppose there is one fellow,but he's at home,and that would be akward.It's probably just a little crush.
It is.
I feel sad when i'm around S*,not becuase he's sad to be around,but becuase I can tell how much he cares about me.And i'm just not sure I can say I feel the same way.I dont want him to be holding onto me when i'm not sure what I want.And if he found out I saw Ben again,I think it would break his heart.he wouldn't admit it,but he would be hurt.
I can't get with S* anyway,because Ben would never talk to me again.He really doesnt like him at all,after some missunderstanding months ago and refuses to let it go.
I know probably not speaking to ben will help me move on in more ways than one and make me feel more me,more independant and complete,but if i'm honest I don't want to.I still want him to be there,and I don't know why.
I've never been so close to an ex after we've broken up.And it wasnt exactly nice terms.We argued and said some narsty things to each other.It is clear that he must understand,or feel the same otherwise,we wouldn't have seen each other.He wouldn't get jelous and he wouldn't care.
I don't know why,but it makes me happy.
I suppose,I just need to keep my expectations low.And see what happens,and what each day brings.I can't hold on to Ben for much longer,I know we just don't click and it would be wasteful if we both put up with it just for passionate moments where we could both be with different people who would enjoy us alot more.If that makes sense.I just don't know where he is.
I really would like to have this person in the pipeline.Give me some hope.
But we'll see.
Back to Hudd on tuesday.
And the stress after that! XD
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