It is highly likely,that me and Ben will get close again.
I'm so confused.I've never been in a situtation like this before,my goodness that boy has brought across so many lil problems why on earth have I become so attatched?I dont know why I want him so much.What I find attractive in him,I didnt know I were like it.
Maybe with more experience with these people and just,general...oh my god,this song,has just brought it all back.
The gigs we'd go to,the days he'd have off and the occasions i'd lie to mum about working,and instead we'd take the train to london,go spend money on sights and scenes.Go to musems and hold hands-even though we knew we were friends and didnt want anything more,we secretly knew that we did.That inside our twisted lil hearts still recovering from a previous situation,we just wanted each other.Becuase even though we were different,we worked in some strange sort of way,we suited.
He was a challenege,and eventhough he was easy to offend,and he kept his emotions close to the surface,would be unreasonable about things that should have been brushed aside he kept me close to his heart.He did it becuase of what had happened to him before,and can someone really be blammed for what happened to them in the past?
I guess through all of this i'm starting to realise that no you cant.And that,friends really is better than nothing at all,we managed it before we could make it work.I'll just miss the intamecy.I mean,we'll have it as a close bonding of friendship,but the closeness,not being able to hold him and kiss him.Not that he was really an intermate person before,but i wanted to bring it out in him,he was like this project to me,to break him so he could finally let himself go and open himself up,but...he just wouldn't.The self-insecurities he put against himself won in the end I guess,fuled by silly mistakes I made,trying to cut corners and lying about stupid things.
I've learnt from my mistakes.

But in drunken conversations on the phone long into the night,he poured out his heart to me.Told me he missed me so much,more than he's missed anything.Wanted to hold me,wanted me in his bed,and couldnt wait to see me and go to the gigs becuase,it was spending time with me.That I was perfect.That he'd always be interested in me,want to talk to me...he isnt over me.
And i dont know why that makes me feel sad.And happy.
He found sexual pictures of me that he forgot to delete,he didnt know he had them.He was nearly going to keep them.I didnt know why I wanted him too.but he did the right thing in the end.But it just makes it so much more final.

face it phoebe.
It is.

Move on.
Let Go.
Find that new man.That new man he'll be kicking himself when he sees you with him,becuase he'll be what you really want.And in some sort of way,it'll work,it'll just happen,click into place and there will be no akwardness for anyone as it'll be new,fresh and different.But what I want in my heart.

I know simon isn't him.When he huggs me,I find myself wishing he'd let go sooner.I dont want to look in his eyes for a long time,and i realise when i'm thinking of him,its becuase others are reminding me of him.Telling me that i should be with him becuase he'll be good to me,he cares for me,Ben's a dick n whatever,so,i'm never left to my own thoughts.It's just other influencing me all the time,which is what freaks me out-slows me down.I say it doesnt,i dont want to offend him.I know it feels to love someobody and want them so much when they're just...being polite.
I want them to be the one,but it just doesnt fizz in my tummy, and my heart doesn't lurch.I care for him,but not anymore.
I couldn't do it to ben either,our friendship would be destroyed and I know I probably shouldn't,but I hold that dearer,I dont want to put that on the line.I'd rather have them both as friends.

I just need a new breath of fresh air! I know i keep saying it,but I guess I want that new someone to work on,to come into my life and open my eyes.Make me have fun,enjoy myself,laugh...laugh til my sides really hurt.Only a few people can make me do that,and if a boyfriend could do it...well,wow.
He has to be out there,I cant give up surely.
I musnt.
I've got to try.I've got to want this.Want him.
wherever he is.