Goodnight,and goodbye...quickly quickly.

Maybe I am jelous of others around me.surrounding me with all there lovely things,in wonderful situations,where everything seems to be planned out and everythings...sunny.
I guess i've just an all-time-low.It's pathetic,becuase I dont really have any problems,it's all on a minicture scale and the majority of the time i'm asking for it,I call for my troubles,so here they come.
I just feel empty right now.And I hope it's just hormones.It probably is.but I cant help but feel like,the goodness is starting to wear off now.

Ben doesn't care about me anymore.
And,that hurts me and I dont know why.Eventhough yesterday I was sure I were moving on from him.I don't want to,not yet.but knowing he does making me want to cry.
And every song I listen to reminds me of him.
I just wish that the spill canvus were singing about me...

I'm nervous about seeing Poul tomorrow,I know i'm going to act like a fool,go bright red,mumble and make no sense.I'll go all clumsy,and bashful,laugh to loudly and appear dumb.When I know I can confidently put my across in a much better way.I've seen it done before,I can get a guy I want.But in this case,I'm probably going to make it very hard for myself.But then,going along and seeing him for a little while will be better than not.At least trying will give it a shot,then if I do do all the above things,I'll know to leave it be.
I don't know.
I just feel so intruded.Like,everything is just how it is and nothing will change.I have an offer for a relationship,but I don't want to take it becuase I don't see him in that light,I put Ben first,I still ong for his name to appear on my phone...
IT'S SO PATHETIC.

I guess this is where depression could begin if i'm not careful.But i need to hold on,for it won't be long til I'm home again,and i'll slip back into my old routines.Maybe it'll save me.
Maybe something good will happen.
Maybe something good will happen tomorrow...who knows,maybe if I just be myself,he'll realise that maybe...no.Thats so selfish.He's a wonderful guy,he's not going to look at you in that way.It's highly unlikely anybody will.You're just a fool.Such a fool.you've just got your art now,move away...move far away where you can be someone else and hope that maybe someone will come along.
Grrrr.
I just need to let go.

not care.
just go for it.
go with the flow.

oh well.