Here I sit again,aw,where is the happy me?I feel like a depressed poet,surrounded by the same situations as his constant muse.I'm surrounded by people telling me the ways I need to change my life,sort things out,get better at...lets face it-everything.I'm not liking what i'm becomming.At this rate,i'll lose everything.Eventhough,I don't have a great deal.I just feel so insignificant and small,I want to disolve and go somewhere else for a little while.maybe it's my inner desire to travel beyond these walls.I do so love where I am,but I still feel as though im standing in the same body I've grown to dislike so very much.And it's as plain as day what i've got to do to get my fondness back,my love of the inexpence,the cooky,unfashionable...since when did I search for clothing in brand order?or even search for clothing?I like what I have,I don't need these material items.I know the music I like,I don't need to be told what makes me tick and whats cool,what I should be ashamed of.And I don't want to hang around in a job that is plainly demeaning,for the girls with a teaspoon of inteligence between them all,with plastic faces, zoning out the numbing reality that lies within society,families that hate each other,buying further crap to clog up their already clogged artaries.YESIR.I am feeling bitter today.
I don't like this,I don't like myself anymore.But I have no right reason to just go ahead and do whats right.I don't have the strength to be selfish.I mean,I can go ahead and write about it all,think about it,in my mind I feel like i am in control,but when my fear is in front of me I buckel,I lie,I pretend and I appologise so weakly,theres hardly any personality inside,I feel like it leaks out of me each time I wake and pretend that what i'm doing is the right thing.This just cant go on for much longer,or i'll start taking it out on myself.
It's times like these I really miss my family.I miss dads kind,caring,reassuring words,and mums way of snapping me out of worrying situations.Telling me how it is,and how things have to be.Maybe I was pretending to be happy with this move,into deeper waters.I know I can swim,but someones dragging me down so I'm sinking...
I've become addicted to reading postsecret,where I get an enormous sense of thoughtfulness and balence,where I see that i'm not the only one in these situations.Who has their secrets but doesnt know who to tell.I can barely write it all out,how I feel,in fear for when one day I read it back and pity who I once was.
I know this moment in time is a stepping stone.A big one,but a stone all the same.Which means I will come out the otherside.And some smile and see that there is no 'situation' here,it's as easy as making the call,hanging up,blocking the number and avoiding the websites.In a month or two,you will be free.But I just can't do it.and i'm trying to figure out why,is it love?or is it more the fear? of him?of upsetting him?if he knew how much I lied through my teeth-well,its not lying,it's just not telling him how I really feel at the time.There is no way he'd feel the same for me in any way if I told him where he did things wrong and upset me.And it's not his fault,becuase another person wouldn't see the same flaws.But it's a bad habbit i've taught myself to slip into.People,don't want to know what you really think.They just want to hear what they want to know,that they are what they're trying to be.People don't really want to know where they fall,or what they do wrong.Becuase I believe,that people already know that.But carry on.Well,they do around me anyway.Maybe I do the same too,like,lay into things around me becuase i'm really upset and unbalenced inside,and continue doing what I always do.If i can see that it isn't making an effect on my day to day life,why the hell bother?
I know that this is me though,and I have to becuase the large majority of the time things do work out ok in the end.Maybe it's just my patience wearing thin,i don't know.
Why am I such an idiot?
I need to dedicate much more of my time to my work.This is what i'm here for,and i dont want anything or anyone to wrewin what i've worked so hard for.~
THIS IS JUST SO FUCKED UP.
damn this.
FUCK this.
...interlude....
Sorry.
I'm sorry for just burbling on about the same of shit the whole time.Going on about how I know it all-I clearly don't.I really am just looking for my own piece of mind,and I fear theres nowhere I can find it.there really isnt anywhere I can escape to,or anyone I can really confide my feelings too.I don't want to burden.Plus,I don't want to look like an idiot because thats what I know I am.No,I don't want to hear that truth right now.
I don't think i've ever felt like this before,so,upset and on-edge the whole time.I know something's not right and something has to be done about it.I guess in my won stupid way i'm being patient and waiting for the right moment to arrise.Becuase I know it will,I know I will be blessed with the right moment,the power,the ability.It'll just be a while,as some kind of ounishment maybe,for the lies and silly mistakes I have made,that have got me to where I am right now-a horrible situation.
I'm not a bitter person,really,i'm not.And i hate when I get the chance I spill out all this hate.I'm a different person,i'm not someone I like.I suppose it's becuase i'm sonstantly provoked,but it just sounds so lame.But hopefully,things will progress and get better.Then I'll be happy,free,to be me and really enjoy myself once and for all.Let myself go like I'm longing to.I've just got to have faith,and be patient.
I'm sorry for being different,I don't like it at all.And it will change,I will be better,I will be eventually happy.
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