I really miss the old times.The times where I wasn't in situations such as these,the days where worry was only apparent in small,insignifcant daily doings that would soon been solved by a smile or,just time itself.Nothing was a big deal,I always felt...safe.Safe in the knowledge that everything would work out okay in the end,whatever the situation.I'm not sure whether that was home providing me with such comfort,maybe old friends and family.I do miss them,I miss them all.I miss being innocent,I miss getting angry and frustrated at cute things,like having to clean out Mog or petty lil friend details that nowadays one glazes over as it's seen as childish.Those days you should treasure,and I cdertainly did.I do.I suppose i'm just rememebering all these little things.
Talking to someone can bring it all back.Maybe not the exact feelings,but certainly a memory or two,makes you feel how you once did,for a secound.
He made me feel so many grown up things when I wasn't ready for them.I don't ever think he had any idea what he meant to me at the time,or to this day.I always feel like he'll be one of these people who'll crop up every now and then,in the street with new lives-only,would be able to chat to about the olden days with pure ease,becuase time doesn't throw a big wedge imbetween the friendship that was once very strong.I always wanted it to be more.And then when it was,he screwed it up,messed me up for a while.Oh,the things you learn.
I would have liked to have read through my old diaries tonight.I don't know why.But sometimes,if the mood takes me where I just want to forget about the moment,I like to pour myself back into secoundary school pages and the thoughts I spilt.Just work into my old frame of mind,where i was just blissfully unaware of how things can be.
I know,I'm making things sound bigger than they really are right now,I know.But I just cant help but be afraid...I just don't want things to be messed up for my silly ways of approaching matters,where,dealt a lil more harshly,would be done and dusted by now.I need a real cry,where i'm just shaking uncontrolably.I just want to dissapear in a ploom of smoke,stop causing so much...upset.Stress,unpleasantness.I can't get my head straight and I can't keep people on stringes-it's not a respectable way to go about things.Not at all grown up.
Sigh.
I just want a couple of months to go past,I just want to reflect on now with a smile and slight shake of the head,at how I once was.I want to see where this is going to lead.Maybe I should meditate.Truely relax and let go of things.Becuase otherwise this stress will beat me,eat me away.However silly it is,it's still eating my away from the insides.I'm not comfortable in my skin right now,and I really want to be.I'm fed up,of when the lights go out,i'm left with thoughts whirling around my head,the plain old same old story.
I don't know.
It's me.
It's always me.I just want the same thing i've always wanted.Love.I just want to settle down with something,something safe and secure.Just wake up in the morning and feel so warm inside knowing that I belong to someone so important to me.I miss that so much.I don't feel wanted at all right now,I WANT OUT.I want to leave,I just want to find that someone...maybe i'm just kidding myself.
Mabybe I have already met him.Maybe...he just doesn't care.I mean,who would?i'm messed up,something is not right with me right now.I'm very good at pretending,putting on a face for the world.But inside,I feel so empty.It's just drained out of me,every day.I just need something...to believe in.Becuase I don't believe in myself...
aw.that song always makes me think of my brother.The times we would dance in the kitchen like nobody was watching us,and laugh so much.Make lunch-the most unhealthy lunch ever,watch some rubbish tv and have races on the playstation,share some retro moments.
I guess looking back at the past isn't really progressing.And i'm not going to wallow in my own...saddness.I'm not sad.I'm just,irritated I can't get my head straight.And that people won't give me space to think things through.Everything has to be black and white for everyone,it can never be anything else.Theres no such thing as patience anymore...
Maybe i need to give myself some.But a certain answer is just not going to happen,not for anyone.I've got so used to just,saying what people want to hear to not cuase any problems.It just causes me problems.
I bought myself a postsecret book though today from waterstones.So,for now,everythings ok.I can look at peoples secrets knowing i shouldn't feel upset for having a fair share of my own.
I'm only human.
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