Lets just be free.
Why do we all get hurt and feel this pain?Why do we get so bogged in everything.Why do I...I just get so wrapped up in everything.Why do I pretend so much,that I don't even know myself anymore?
I'm not used to feeling this every day.Suspence,aprehension...the lack of being able to spell properly,thats annoying to.
I just need snapping into shape every now and then.I never let things get to me so much,not even stress,i'm usually so good at keeping a lid on things and not getting down.I've realised recently that just falling down for a moment can be a continuous downard spiral.I can't fall into that,I need to give myself something to think possitively for,whatever that may be.
I always feel like i'm in these situations,where it's obvious where I should go,where the ends do lead,but I always tend to go the other way.Like,I try to give it a chance,just to prove to myself-yeah,the obvious way was the right one.I mean,what?Why the hell do I do that?And i know I do it too which is even more frustrating-GOD is there anyone else who gets so damn annoyed with themselves as much as I do?I'm doing it right now-i'm midway through going down an akward path,everyone has advised me against taking-just to test,just to see.And it'll lead to more upset,pain,saddness,lots and lots of negative feelings and then i'll just turn around and go the other way.
I faff.
I faff around so much in my life,I can't keep still.I used to be so great and daydreaming off,getting lost in my own imagination like a child does,just give myself the door to escape for a little while.I don't do that anymore.I miss the sea.I miss home.I miss love.
And I sound so rediculous.Becuase it's all around me.But I hate...this.
I want to be shaken,and I want him to be so unreasonable I can just scrubb him off the list,no questions asked.Of course,that won't happen becuase I'm still in love with him.I wish I wasn't,then I could attempt to be heartless and cold.Surely I could do it if I tried?I have tried,and I failed.Big time.I can't even go as far and say 'no,' without going back on it and agreeing with everything they've said which,is a load of rubbish.
You really can't make everyone happy.So why do I bother?Why do I believe that somehow I can manage it?
I've got so much heading in my direction,it's just coming so fast at me it can only end up in one way.In tears.
I really hate writting like this,I used to be so much better at turning things around and making myself feel better.But no.Not this time.From every angle-i'm fucked.There is no way I can go backwards on my actions I once thought were kind,but clever-never combine those things.It never ever works.
I miss the old me.And the boy who brought it out in me.If only he knew how much I once loved him,ever single bit.How much he made me smile,the little collections of items we made together,sent to each other.I was such an idiot and i'm so afraid to piece it back together becuase,I don't want to hurt him again.I never meant to,I hated the fact I did and thought i was doing the right thing,but in all honesty,I lost what could have been incredible.
I' give anything to let him know how truely sorry I was,and how much I want him to hold me...
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i'm so upset.
I don't want to be here anymore...
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