It's another empty,meaningless post from me again.I'm so fed up of this horrible feeling inside me that i'm gradually getting acustomed to.It's not right and it's not fair on people around me,or the people who once knew me before as,I find it so hard to reconnect to the old me.I wouldn't say I was happy.I haven't been happy for a long time.And it's the same damn reason.which makes me feel so weak.And look weak too,all my wonderful friends that i have made as of late tell me the same things everyday,eventhough it's my own problem,they kindly give me the best kind of advise-the truth.Why can't I bring myself to turn things around?Why do I believe that this can actually work and i'll actually get any joy from this relationship...
Do you ever get the feeling you just want to dissapear?I know I must appear so deliberatly selfless of me to not wanna make anyone unhappy,but it is the genuine truth.I just hate finding myself in these lose lose situations,where everyone seems to be involved and are at risk to being neglected,therefore,hurt.I don't like having the power,and yet none at all.I need some new inspiration,new desires and get this strength back within me.People can come and go,give me these brilliant pieces of advice,but only I will have the corage to do something about it.
I guess it's just acceptance.
That things will backfire.
People will get hurt,and won't be happy with all the desisions I chose to make.
I can't keep going back on my words,and I cant let him turn me into the liar that I am becoming as each day goes on.I lie to him every single day,when I text him and hope that he has a lovely day.I know,inside,he probably doesn't care.I know i'm almost exactly what he wants but I do so much that goes against him and his morals-that arn't at all ideal,fair or rational! he probably just clings to me becuase he wants me to change.
I must have some power in me,to remain the same.I don't want to change for him,I really like who I am.I just dont like who i'm becoming.I've got so much more to focus on in my life,I don't want to be dittering about with these silly...people.I want to find someone who makes me whole,be surrounded by them and well and truely loved.I hate knowing that I'm not enjoying myself fully.I guess when I'm away from him,I feel better.And people around me,such as simon,just fill me with much joy.I nearly,everso nearly broke up with him,and cut him out of my life.but he begged and pleaeded,said he would be different.but I'm not entirely sure I understand...why.why he even wants to bother with me when he knows theres a lil bit of doubt in my voice,god the amount of tears and late nights just staring up at the celing in the hope that someonthing would beam down onto me,maybe some light,an alien maybe,an idea...I hate myself.But I hate this even more =[
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