i wonder how many other people have started diaries and blogs in the same fashion as me.Many im sure.
Reading back my old posts,makes me feel rather sad.I sound so sorry for myself,talking about the same old problems all the time and not doing anything about them!
new year.
lets start again.
So its a new year,and this year I want to be memorable for all the right reasons.Although,last year was rather busy,and alot went on,way to much really.I've learnt a great deal.Although I always feel I'm in the same situations,put through the same feelins and such.I need to change these things,make things better for myself;easier.
I need to start facing things as they are.I musn't settle for less than i deserve,becuase I'll always find myself feeling unhappy and uncomfortable,unhappy in my own skin.and thats exactly how i've been feeling recently.And it's thrown a wedge between my family and friends,made me face questions I'm not really ready to face yet.Basically,screwing things up.It seems to revolve around the same guy,but i feel it unfair to blame it all on him.I have lead things on,i've wanted them to go in this direction,and I know that i must take responsability for my actions,need to think things through,I cant expect them all to go well the whole time.Sometimes things fail.Sometimes things have to pull away at the seams.
Testing me.
So,I need to figure out what to do.The thing is,i've done the wrong thing...again.Everyone has advised me to ditch Ben becuase he's just not good for me.He asks to much that i'm not and can't provide and,i'm in a bit of a haze.When I look on the outside i can see quiet clearly that we're not very well suited.I'm constantly worried and,well,unhappy.and i've always told myself to never let anyone make me feel like that,even if I claim to love them because-it clearly isn't love.He's to much like Luke really,in many ways.and not the good things.He is demanding,so very easy to offend,childish and shallow.He wants a girl he can see every day,he's materialisitc and he hates art.the way he shows his love is rough and to fast,it's far from intimate.He picks at everything I do,when I'd never dream of doing the same to him.I'm to good for him,really-don't wish to be big headed,but even my trusting dad told me the very same thing.I musn't be wasted on someone who'd be happy with any girl.and I don't want to be 'any' girl.
i'm not 'any' girl.
And what makes it even harder,or shall I say,even more tilting to one side,is that there are a few guys who have taken an interest in me.And I,have taken an interest in them too.And I cant hide that.
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