Okay,it's been a while since i've updated on a more serious note.I am so sick reading the same old crap about that bloody boy-even though he is considered to be a man,in mind,he is far flippin from it!
I just wish I were stronger.And I wish i could stop wishing things upon myself becuase some time ago I was actually happy with the way I was,the way things were,and where things were going.And now,everythings been thrown up in the air,and is going to break and crack on landing.It doesnt matter when or where,I always find myself appologising for silly little things I've said or havnt said,I'm fed up of feeling useless and uncomfortable.But,I wont stamp it out and I don't know why.Why do I fear what is so obviously right?why do i want to swerve as far as i can away from it and make things even worse for myself...I don't want it,i really really don't,but then again,my heart tells me I want him-which jumps far over all these leveles of knowledge,as my father would say.It's all messed up,and I need to remove myself from the whole equation,there is just no way this can truely work when theres so much to doubt,argue about,offend each other with,it's rediculous and childish and I don't need someone like that in my life.
Among other words yelled,mother did come out with one thing that did knock me to the core; 'For we all want our freedom' and its true.Right now,I have the potential to be free,daring and impulsive.Do whatever the hell I like,i'm miles and miles from home,in new surroundings with amazing people and oppertunities.And yet i've got one,weak thread,tying me to one particular sod at home,on a thread thats continuously snapping because of his rediculous ways.
Why cant i do it.
pick up the phone and tell him that I don't want this anymore,we cant be friends becuase it'll be impossible as that means being mature.That I cant take being mucked about so much emotionally,making me feel so tired and worn out from worry,that there are people who do really love me for exactly the way I am,without asking me to be things I'm not,or comparing me to previous girlfriends,and keep bloody referring to 'an ideal situation' becuase there isn't one of those.not with him anyway,I just find it so hard to believe that he'll make himself happy.That he knows what happiness really is.And,I can't be with someone like that,even have anything to do with them really,becuase,he's just going to want to leach off me,he may not know he's doing it,but i'm starting to feel the down sides-gives him mroe confidence,therfore more lippy,annoying and moody-me,having no happiness,plunged into evenmore reasons to be UNhappy.It's just appalling behaviour which he will not for love nor money,snap out of becuase it's him.And he doesn't want to change,becuase he'd hate to appear weak,but then again,thats all he is.
A self depricating sack of fears and ambitious dreams,a heart longing to be dissapointed...
this is NOT the way I roll.
come on phoebe,lets sort this out.
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