So,maybe i didn't go about things the right way.And maybe things have back fired in a very big way here,but at least...I may have blown it for the best.
I am a bit of an impulse lier,I always have been,but only about really small things that dont cause any harm.Of course,I should have realised that someone as dramatic as ben wouldn't think anything were small and harmless.But,silly me and my habbits.
It's safe to say I made up a poor lie,and now he assumes i've lied about many things and assumes that i'm a slut.-harsh.So wrong.But,I cant say that his words hurt me anymore,as i'm so used to it.And thats bad.In fact i've thought about things so much,that I've really wished that i could just turn off my phone and cut him out of my life-i've almost been waiting for an oppertunity to get out of all this,so i can finally enjoy my time at uni,eventhough i've fucked things up and home and work...but thats another thing to worry about.
I'm ashamed,yet at the same time,relieved becuase eventhough he's assumed the worst possible thing of me and that what he'll tell everyone,i'm just pleased I know he's not coming up to a week from now.
Which means I can to go the gig with my friends.
which means i can work on a proper relationship here without worrying about stupid things.stupid ties back home.
it's just a shame it couldnt be an agreement,but then again,we could never agree on things.He was horrible harsh and all the things i've listed in this blog.
i'm fed up of being under someones thumb al the time and being in unhappy relationships.Well,actually,this is the only one i've felt well and truely unhappy.-seriously unhappy.And everyone has told me to do it ages before,such a long time and that im wasting my time and breath...
I hope he will be able to forgive me in time.
but hes not happy right now.he wont be for a long time.And really,i just want him to be happy but he's just not going to be happy with me.ever.we're not compatible and he doesnt see it.Really my heart is scattered all over the place and i am in need of having some self time and pulling thnigs round,have some time for myself.
I cant tell myself i love him anymore becuase I don't.I'm weak.I lie becuase i'm weak and i'm afraid of the consequences.I'm scared and afraid of him,and him hurting me.I just want someone to love me and care about me,not just in a lustily way,but in future speaking,in all the little things I say and do.And he isnt any of those things,and i will continue to write these things becuase this is the truth.I do want to cut him out of my life now,move on to better things,better people.I dont need him.
It's just a shame i made myself look bad,but then,he just sees what he wants to see.
and who is going to believe what he says anyway?i shouldnt care.
I've messed things up for us,but at the end of the day,thats a good thing.
I best go to bed,i have uni tomorrow.
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