So tomorrow could be complete and utter lie.Maybe he's just trying to play with my emotions.maybe I really wanted to fall for them.
I wish I could be sure where I was at this moment in time,it sucks in such a big way,i'm used to be sure.I guess being in a relationship calms me down a bit.But there is no sign of that at the moment,i'm not even sure what I want.Who I want...have I already met the guy i'm looking for?I have absolutly know idea.Jonny was close,he was very close indeed.But everyone seems to be close at the time.Why is it even important?
I'm afraid I fall.I'm afraid i'll settle for less than I deserve.Ben is a wonderful guy.And I'm still in love with him and i don't want to let him go.I've pretended to try,so I appear more grown up and in control,but I honestly still want him to be mine.I'm angry it's over the distance,but then maybe it would have come to it's own end at home due to other,more painful reasons.That I won't know.That I will find out i'm sure,as it wont be long til i'm home for a fair few weeks.I look forward to that.
Home comforts mean alot to the times i'm going through right now,i don't mean for it to sound dramatic becuase it's hardly close to it.It's just me,it's what i do.
I'm always refreshened and happy,cheerful to those around me to mask the fact that secretly I suffer alot inside.I don't wish to sound all emotional about it,becuase its not a cool thing to say at all.But really,i tear myself apart without realising it.Only in the morning,when I open my eyes...i hope it's a bad,horrible dream.
In a funny sort of way its done me some good.I know now that if I spot someone who shouldn't leave without a lslight attempt,I should bite the bullet and go for it.Becuause you'll never win or get far in life standing and watching other people getting your potential prizes.I know im only 18,and theres much of the world for me to go and explore and many more people to meet.Maybe a relationship isn't what I need,I just tell myself that becuase thats the classic norm for people my age.It's bloomin everywhere.I'm not bitter though,i know my time will come in it's own sweet time.And the breaking up with ben has made me a more carefree person,yet I do take alot more pride and confidence in myself,knowing that i could obtain someone like him.It's just such a shame =[ becuase it still hurts so much.
So tomorrow,if he is actually coming,is going to be an odd affair.
what is actually going to happen?will we be romantic and passionate?will we argue and hurt each other with harsh words?I really hope it's the first.Eventhough it'll hurt more than the secound...love and passion hurt like fuck.
but living for the moment is what I shall do.I'm going to go and pamper myself in a minuet so i feel completely ready and confident.
maybe it'll do me good to be more vain.
oh well.
tomorrow awaits.
and i await a text.
and i await a nicely admended situation.sod the distance and follow out hearts.
...thats if his heart still belongs to me...
No comments:
Post a Comment