So.i'm sitting on the floor attempting to weigh up the pros and the cons.what is with all this?why am I bothering?It's just I feel so unfulfilled.I know i'm worth so much more than i'm being treated-everyone says it.I fear i'm with Ben for all the wrong reasons,again i find myself in the same old loop-not wanting to hurt him-although,i do that anyway utterly unintentionally.It's rediculous the amount of emotional blackmail i'm having to endure,and it's not going to get any better.In fact,he's just eventually going to have the upper hand over me,becase he can.Becuase i WONT retaliate,i'll put ut up with it becuase I don't want to go through the break-up ordeal,and so,i'll change as a result and deny myself some really wonderful people.
I know someone who wants me.We are both very much so compatible.-so why then,am I still with ben?who cant even be arsed to text me anymore-wants me to prove myself?but that could be done in so many ways,I don't want to be the one who clings...
im forcing myself to be romantic,and do the things he wants me to do and tell him the things he wants to hear and that,is not how I roll at all.
SO WHY THEN,AM I DOING IT?
no really-why?
Its not the sex.Even though he's very good at what he does,I don't want to let myself have a connection with him-so the sex,isn't as meaningful as it could be.I'm not very confident when i'm in front of him as he has no emotion on his face,and he doesn#t communicate.The only time the sex is brilliant is when we've had a few drinks,and that just seems like...an excuse?
So,it's not really that.
And it's not really companionship becuase i'm hardly with him at all.And even when I am,theres something happening and he's reluctant to hold my hand or kiss me in public,i mean,we do have moments of intamacy but it's not enough to make me be sure that he really wants me.
and yet,when i slip up,he makes it clear that he loves me,wants me all the time and believe me to be 'the one'=surely not...
i'm not sure I understand him.the lack of comunication drives me mad,how,I have to guess where he's at the whole time,evenetually winding him up becuase i'm not doing 'what I should fucking know.'. 'the basic stuff'...it#s rubbish.it sucks.

And i know people who love me exactly the way I am...what is with this?
it's almost becuase,we've bought each other christmas pressents and that we plan to go to a gig together...thats not a good reason at all.

no.no.I do love him very much.I do.I know i'm still with him becuase i really want it to work,and although we're different the times we do click are sensational they really are.Truely,amazing.
It's just,he doesn't realise how soon i give in and how soon I can easily break myselfaway and any emotional strings...it's just me.that can't be changed.

I want it to be christmas.I want to feel safe,warm and together.
I need to sort something out.I want to feel HAPPY.and that...I havn't truely felt for a very long time indeed.I need to watch amelie...

I need something to pull me out of this and make me feel that everythings going to be alright.I need that.I need a film that will inspire me and make me feel whole.